Tuesday, October 5, 2010

When positive speaking limits your personal truth...


I'm really banging up against the wall of positive speaking. I totally get that our thoughts and words are powerful, and that they alone can create our experience. I totally understand the power of speaking positively about situations that are unpleasant, and I often am able to see the silver lining in the dark clouds. I understand the "fake it until you make it" mentality. Generating abundant, happy thoughts when one is down being a powerful way to turn your day around. Totally get it. However,I'm in a place where the "everything is great" mentality is not really honoring my experience.

My mom has suffered from severe depression since she was a child, and I can remember her being very ill since I was a child. It seems like this conversation started when I was around 11. Her not being at all well, and her requesting that we not tell anyone. She was really ashamed of her condition and didn't want anyone to know. This was way before the Internet and open talk of depression & anxiety hit mainstream. I didn't know what to do except protect my mama. So whenever anyone would ask me how mom was doing, no matter how bad it was, I would say, she's great, we're all wonderful. Protecting her in that way was teaching me to not honor my instincts,my truth,my pain and my fears. This led me into many, many years of not asking for help, trying to carry everyone on my back, not asking people to stand up for themselves, me trying to save everyone's day and leaving little time and energy for myself and my needs. Over the years I attracted many relationships with people who fell exactly into that equation. Oh how I have raged over these people! I've blamed them, I've hated them, I've lugged them around and called it love. I am so over it!

What that looks like for me now, particularly after my moms recent suicide is that I have to speak my truth. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me and the other person, I owe it to myself, and to them, to speak my truth and express how I feel. It lands how it lands. They get to have their experience. I am no longer available to shelter people from the truths of my life. I am not really helping anyone by doing so, especially me. Every time I keep something important about me and the situation I am in to myself, I stew inside over it, causing disharmony in all of my systems which ultimately leaves me very angry. I have no more space in my life to hold my truths and my reality in.

So how is this showing up for me right now? I feel like I'm in a battle of sorts with the whole saying you're good no matter what mentality. A friend asked me last week how I was doing and I said I'm having a challenging day. He says, no your not, your great, you want to always say you're great no matter what. I listened to what he had to say, understanding the background of it, yet experienced a serious uprising from within over it. Personally, I feel like acknowledging my day as challenging is extremely powerful. It says that this day is difficult for me and I am meeting the challenges head on, powerfully. I'm listening to my body, my soul and to spirit, and we're working it out. No, I am not feeling great, today. But I am Amanda and I am showing up powerfully in the face of all that is in front of me. Honoring myself truly, is acknowledging that, and not covering it up with the "I'm great" when I'm not word play. This incident was followed up with another the next day, where I spoke of my rib injuries and I said, it's going to take awhile to heal, and another friend corrected me with, "you're creating that, don't say that, you're making it worse!" It made me want to scream And shake him really hard. Rib injuries & structural alignment issues, TAKE TIME TO HEAL. That's just the way it is. Saying that I'm great when I'm in severe pain does not serve me! Dammit! I want to take a sledge hammer to this positively brick wall of everything is great. I have no interest in hiding behind a wall of positive words. I'm more interested in building a personal foundation of love,trust, acceptance & intuition in my relationship to myself, and thus, others.

Again, I understand the importance of thinking and speaking positively. Beyond that though, of most importance, is to honor one's process. To allow oneself to feel the range of emotions that are moving thru us as messengers. Brilliant jewels in one's self discovery and personal empowerment. The keys to our inner freedom are here in these uncomfortable places. I am in mourning. I want to experience it in a way that frees me from my past. That means speaking out when I'm in pain and asking for help. To have an expectation right now that everything is and should be great is like walking backwards for me. My heart hurts and my body hurts. That's where I am at. I am doing the work necessary to heal myself. I am committed to telling you exactly how I feel if you ask me. So if you do ask me how I'm doing, be ready for a smile, be ready for a tear. Mostly though, be ready to be present with me, in that moment we are sharing within our day.

Love,
Amanda