Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Surviving Suicide


I've wanted to write about this since she died...When I'm upset I haven't felt like reaching out and when I'm not upset I don't wanna think about it too much. I know that it is important that I share & I truly want to. There are many versions of Me out there in the world. I want to support those Me's, including the Me that's here talking to you. This part of my blog is dedicated to losing my mom to suicide & the mourning process I am experiencing. I invite you to reach out to me and ask me how I'm doing & what I'm up to help myself heal from this great loss.

I've experienced so many ups and downs around her death. My mind and body are hard at work grieving and much of that is happening behind the scenes of my conscious mind...

* I find myself sighing often. Each time it happens it feels like release and a level of acceptance.
* 4-5 days a week I sleep 10-13 hours a night. This is really unusual for me as I use to sleep only 6 or 7 hours a night. I can see this is an important part of my healing process and I allow myself to sleep as long as possible.
* I feel myself go thru layers of realization. Last week it hit me as if it had just happened and I was blown away by the awareness that my mom really did commit suicide.
* I remember things I haven't thought of in years. Funny things mom used to say and do, as well as happenings between us that weren't at all funny.
* I am totally indecisive around food. I don't know what I want to eat & I rarely feel like cooking, which is something that I love. I've eaten out more in the past 4 months than I have in 4 years.
* I often want to isolate, even though I really don't want to be alone.
* I suddenly have a lot of fear & anxiety. I feel worried that I will be attacked or suffer some other sort of great loss. Hearing my phone ring often stresses me out-I am afraid that I'll get another call of someone's else's death.

I joined a 10 wk support group for suicide survivor's a few weeks ago. I was surprised to find out that I've been thru a catastrophic event. No wonder I feel so traumatized and hypersensitive. Whew! What a relief that there is nothing wrong with me, this is just the process of this type of sudden trauma. I can let go of judgment that I should be doing more, or I should be over it by now. I hear that this takes years to get over, and that it gets easier over time. The thought of going thru this for years to come is not at all appealing to me.

It's difficult to be in so much pain while continuing to work & play full time. When I'm in a good mood, I want to stay there. When I have to work, I certainly don't want to think of it. On the days where I've had breakdowns before & during my shifts, I felt absolutely raw, vulnerable and stretched super thin, equaling loong days of customer service. When I feel like that I just want to teleport directly into my apartment rather than be in the public eye. So, on busy days where I need to show up powerfully, I rally myself and push it over to the side. When I do that I can feel her & the energy of this all about 15 feet to my right, hanging in the air and waiting for a space to land. As soon as I have a few hours to myself without anything or anyone needing my attention, it lands on me and I am consumed with grief and sobbing for hours. There's no getting away from it, really.


I have worried a lot about being a downer around my friends and community. I get that they want to be here for me, and it is a gift for them to do so. I have so much love in my life & I am so very grateful for that. Mom's death has helped me open my heart to unconditional love in ways I've never known and that's probably one of the greatest gifts she could ever give me. Before, I was very easy to shut down and push people that I loved away in the face of upset. It's as if her fiery death also burned down my walls of protection. I've tried to put them up and I can't find them anymore. There's no more hiding for me. I can't hide from myself, I can't hide from my community, I can't hide from spirit and I can't hide from my mom any more.

Love,
Amanda