Unexpected Storms

A few days ago one of my friends asked me how I was doing. Great! I responded. A lil while after that I thought wow, I do feel great, I haven't been sad or upset about mom in awhile; I must really be getting over it. Not two hours after that, she was suddenly in my mind so intensely that I had a huge breakdown, and two days later I’m still not able to shake it.

I dreamt of her last night. There was a huge, weird, electrical type storm happening and all of my family was over at my grandma's. Mom was there too. She was distant, irritated, on drugs and I realized I had sort of traveled back into time. I wanted so badly to get to her and tell her, “Hey! You are going to commit suicide in a year and we are all going to be devastated. Please don't do it! We love you!” I wasn't able to get to her to say it. I’ve had a lot of dreams like this, seeing her and trying desperately to get to her and tell her how much we love her and to please not do it.

I feel like I’m back to where I left off a month ago, before I was suddenly packing, moving and unpacking. It feels like it’s just been sitting on the shelf, waiting for me to slow down again so it could reappear. Even the pain I feel in my ribs and body seems like it has been on hold and is suddenly here again.

Back in January I took a month off of work so I could grieve and heal. I allowed myself to totally be in that space. I wouldn’t even make social plans. I had one week left of my time off and knew that I was in no shape to go back to work. My energy was low, I felt depressed, and I was definitely not ready to talk to a thousand customers a week. I prayed a lot, looked deep within and decided to quit my job and move in with my girlfriend. Suddenly I had tremendous energy & joy. In 9 days I had packed and moved. Everything fell into place with amazing accuracy and I totally felt like a super hero. Since then I’ve been busy unpacking, getting settled and creating a beautiful office space in our home to work on my jewelry and other healing projects.

I feel disappointed that all this grief is back after having such a month of excitement and joy. I am glad that I listened to my instincts and didn’t return to Café Gratitude. I really miss my community, but I know I’m doing what I need to take care of myself.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone at Café Gratitude, my family & friends for their support. They helped me raise $1800 so that I could take the month off without worry of my bills. Their help allowed me to have the time and space to further see what I needed. I am so grateful! I love ya’ll!!!

How Do You View Your Body?

Whose view of what’s beautiful and sexy are you listening to? Whose body do you compare yours to? How often do you criticize your self and the way you look?

I worked in sales at a high end fitness club a few years ago. A big part of my job was giving tours to prospective members around the gym. Each day I made many laps throughout the gym and the ladies dressing room. I also had an office with a glass wall that faced about 30 machines. What I saw was shocking. Beautiful women with perfect bodies who still hated the way they looked. I watched the way they looked at themselves in the mirror, the way they moved around the club and interacted with others. I watched them compare themselves to other women and walk away distressed. It really hit me. Nobody is happy with the way they look. Even when the body is in perfect condition, there is still a constant drive to lose just one more inch, one more pound. WHY?!

We don’t see ourselves as we truly are.


I have also suffered from this. Thinking I was fat, gaining 20 pounds and then later realizing, wow, I actually was thin back then. I was too focused on a future image to enjoy who I was in the present. I had my happiness & satisfaction based out in the future, so even when I was great in shape my futuristic thinking kept driving me to do more, because this wasn’t enough.


When we constantly say things like, “I’ll be happy when I lose 15 pounds”, “I’ll be happy when I get those nice boots”, “I’ll be happy when I get my degree/job/house/mate, etc.”, we create that happiness is out there, and not here, right now. Happiness can only be experienced in the present moment. If we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others and putting the achievement of happiness in the future, we’ll never get there. Even when we do achieve it, we’re not able to fully enjoy it because we’ve been conditioned to think that it’s still out there in the future. You’ll always think that you have to accomplish more to have it. How many times have you gotten something that you wanted and after the excitement wore off found that you still weren’t happy?

I noticed that when I quit calling myself fat, I lost weight without any other change being made. If you keep thinking that you are fat, you’ll keep living into being fat. Whether that means overeating, not exercising, not being able to drop pounds or simply not seeing yourself as you truly are.

Listen to your inner tapes. Are you mean to yourself about your body? Would you be as mean to your friends and family as you are to yourself? One of my good friends once said to me, “Don’t be mean to Amanda. She’s my friend.” Boy, did she really get my attention!

Just think about the phrase “I am fat”. Really? All you are is fat? Aren’t you also bones, muscles, ligaments and tendons? With a brain, mind, organs, heart and capability for tremendous love & compassion? Try on saying, “I am healthy. With every day I become more fit and beautiful.” I promise you, it will make a difference.