Wow. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year since my mother died. In many ways I feel worse instead of better. The past few weeks I’ve had a lot of anger and sadness spewing out. So much in fact, it leaves me wondering when it is ever going to end.
It’s been really difficult, being in such a vulnerable space. A few days ago, I cried for hours and felt so weak and fragile around it. I’ve never been needy or frail, so then a battle arises within of what in the hell is wrong with me? I realized this morning, that it actually is a sign of true strength to be able to let go like that and really be with the sadness and give it the space to breath and move out of my body.
I have what is termed as complicated grief. Not only was her death sudden and traumatic, but it was the ending of a very troubled relationship. My mother suffered from depression and drug abuse for 20 years and I did my very best to try and help her. Now I’m assigned with the task of helping myself heal from all of this. I’ve got my work cut out for me.
This isn’t just about the day she decided to die. It’s about our life together, and all the anger and frustration and disappointment around that, that is stored in my body, and now flooding out. And It doesn’t stop with just that either. Her death has also cracked open the past for me in other ways. Patterns, beliefs and ways of being that I have around relationships, house chores, work ethic, sleeping, eating, smoking, reacting, defending, running away…the list just keeps on going. I had no idea I was such a hot mess. I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about my mom’s problems, I haven’t been able to really see my own.
I am also choosing to honor my anger. It’s important. And I want to share what I’m angry about.
I’m angry that people still try to say that she didn’t commit suicide, that it was an accident or murder.
I’m angry that the Shelby Daily Star, dug all of this up a few weeks ago, blasted it on the front page, and listed gruesome details of her death that we’ve never even heard. The reporter camped out at my grandparents all day, waiting to ask someone, “well, how do you and your family feel?” Really?! How the hell do you think we feel?!
I’m angry at the pharmaceutical companies for prescribing drugs that are known to cause suicide. Why would you give this to a depressed person?
I’m angry at my mom for peacing out like this. I hear, “well, she’s not suffering anymore, she’s in a better place.” Well good for her. I’ve never been in a worse place, and I have her to thank for it.
All these years, I’ve had my success’s, my joys, my accomplishments be overshadowed by what my mom was going thru. I’ve never felt like I had room to be completely expressed and seen. Her death and the timing of it has been the ultimate inconvenience. My new home, new relationship, job promotion- all of those hard earned joys, swept away in the fires of her passing. I am fortunate to still be in relationship with my beautiful girlfriend. Its hard for her to see me so sad, for so long.
All that being said, I love her, I miss her and I wish she was still here, saying funny things, being silly…It wasn’t all bad. Mom was and is a beautiful spirit. I see that her transformation is also my transformation. And tho this is the most painful thing I’ve ever been thru, this is ultimately the path to my inner peace and joy.
I love you Mama.
