Yesterday was my Mom’s birthday. I thought about her all day. I lit a candle for her on my alter, I told her Happy Birthday and I wished her peace, love, joy and all that she needs to continue healing her wounds of this life and before. I didn’t feel emotional about any of it and as I told one of my best friends over lunch, I haven’t really cried in several months. I have kept my distance from her. I know that’s a funny thing to say, considering she’s no longer in a body, and not limited to time or space.
The truth is, I’ve been keeping my distance from the sadness in my heart. Halloween tried to get my emotional doors open, as it is one of our favorite holidays. One day mid October, I was feeling really irritated and restless and something led me to a box in my closet that’s been taped shut for over a year. Suddenly, I was compelled to open it. I found a stack of cards in it and seconds later a Halloween Card from
my mom, sent in 2007 came flying out of it. Wow! Just a few hours before at the post office, as I sent Halloween cards to my Sister, Grandmother and Aunt, I wished that I was also sending one to my mom. Imagine my surprise when shortly after I receive one from her! She didn’t stop there either, a birthday card from that same year also shot out of the stack. It was probably one of the sweetest, most heart felt cards she’s ever sent. I did miss this year’s birthday card from her and here it was, too.I could feel her moving around me for days around Halloween. I was full of resistance, and couldn’t break thru it. In all honesty, I didn’t want to. After crying for a whole year, I feel very apprehensive about touching those painful spots.
I made it through my birthday, Halloween & her birthday without any tears, until today.
I heard the song "Yesterday", by the Beatles. The Beatles were her all-time favorite band. I always think of her when I hear them. I am blown away by the lyrics of this song and how it landed upon me today. I felt like Paul was singing directly to me, “Why she had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say…I said something wrong now I long for yesterday.”
I’ve cried all afternoon.
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.
