Pineapple Carrot Juice

This is one of my favorite juice combination's! I feel SO good when I drink it!

1 Pineapple
11 Carrots
2 Oranges
Ginger- a piece that's 2 by 2 inches
1 Lemon or Lime (sometimes I use one of each)
A beautiful glass to drink it from!

I rarely go by a recipe when I juice- I paid attention when I made this batch to give you a starting point. Use your intuition to see what and how much your body needs on any given day. If you only have 2 or 3 of the ingredients, try that and see how you like it. Have fun experimenting with all sorts of combination's!

Blue Berry Toast

We are all talking about it... my sister, my girlfriend, my dad, myself...All of us want to take control of our eating habits. I am feeling inspired to post about the meals I put together & share my recipes with those of you would love some new healthy food ideas.

This is one of my new breakfast favorites!

Sprouted Multi-Grain Bread
Raw Almond Butter
St. Dalfour Wild Blueberry Jam (sweetened with Grape juice!)
Organic Blueberries

Toast bread & add almond butter, jam, berries and love for such a delightful meal!

Yesterday

Yesterday was my Mom’s birthday. I thought about her all day. I lit a candle for her on my alter, I told her Happy Birthday and I wished her peace, love, joy and all that she needs to continue healing her wounds of this life and before. I didn’t feel emotional about any of it and as I told one of my best friends over lunch, I haven’t really cried in several months. I have kept my distance from her. I know that’s a funny thing to say, considering she’s no longer in a body, and not limited to time or space.

The truth is, I’ve been keeping my distance from the sadness in my heart. Halloween tried to get my emotional doors open, as it is one of our favorite holidays. One day mid October, I was feeling really irritated and restless and something led me to a box in my closet that’s been taped shut for over a year. Suddenly, I was compelled to open it. I found a stack of cards in it and seconds later a Halloween Card from my mom, sent in 2007 came flying out of it. Wow! Just a few hours before at the post office, as I sent Halloween cards to my Sister, Grandmother and Aunt, I wished that I was also sending one to my mom. Imagine my surprise when shortly after I receive one from her! She didn’t stop there either, a birthday card from that same year also shot out of the stack. It was probably one of the sweetest, most heart felt cards she’s ever sent. I did miss this year’s birthday card from her and here it was, too.

I could feel her moving around me for days around Halloween. I was full of resistance, and couldn’t break thru it. In all honesty, I didn’t want to. After crying for a whole year, I feel very apprehensive about touching those painful spots.

I made it through my birthday, Halloween & her birthday without any tears, until today.

I heard the song "Yesterday", by the Beatles. The Beatles were her all-time favorite band. I always think of her when I hear them. I am blown away by the lyrics of this song and how it landed upon me today. I felt like Paul was singing directly to me, “Why she had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say…I said something wrong now I long for yesterday.”

I’ve cried all afternoon.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.

One Year Later

Wow. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year since my mother died. In many ways I feel worse instead of better. The past few weeks I’ve had a lot of anger and sadness spewing out. So much in fact, it leaves me wondering when it is ever going to end.

It’s been really difficult, being in such a vulnerable space. A few days ago, I cried for hours and felt so weak and fragile around it. I’ve never been needy or frail, so then a battle arises within of what in the hell is wrong with me? I realized this morning, that it actually is a sign of true strength to be able to let go like that and really be with the sadness and give it the space to breath and move out of my body.

I have what is termed as complicated grief. Not only was her death sudden and traumatic, but it was the ending of a very troubled relationship. My mother suffered from depression and drug abuse for 20 years and I did my very best to try and help her. Now I’m assigned with the task of helping myself heal from all of this. I’ve got my work cut out for me.

This isn’t just about the day she decided to die. It’s about our life together, and all the anger and frustration and disappointment around that, that is stored in my body, and now flooding out. And It doesn’t stop with just that either. Her death has also cracked open the past for me in other ways. Patterns, beliefs and ways of being that I have around relationships, house chores, work ethic, sleeping, eating, smoking, reacting, defending, running away…the list just keeps on going. I had no idea I was such a hot mess. I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about my mom’s problems, I haven’t been able to really see my own.

I am also choosing to honor my anger. It’s important. And I want to share what I’m angry about.

I’m angry that people still try to say that she didn’t commit suicide, that it was an accident or murder.

I’m angry that the Shelby Daily Star, dug all of this up a few weeks ago, blasted it on the front page, and listed gruesome details of her death that we’ve never even heard. The reporter camped out at my grandparents all day, waiting to ask someone, “well, how do you and your family feel?” Really?! How the hell do you think we feel?!

I’m angry at the pharmaceutical companies for prescribing drugs that are known to cause suicide. Why would you give this to a depressed person?

I’m angry at my mom for peacing out like this. I hear, “well, she’s not suffering anymore, she’s in a better place.” Well good for her. I’ve never been in a worse place, and I have her to thank for it.

All these years, I’ve had my success’s, my joys, my accomplishments be overshadowed by what my mom was going thru. I’ve never felt like I had room to be completely expressed and seen. Her death and the timing of it has been the ultimate inconvenience. My new home, new relationship, job promotion- all of those hard earned joys, swept away in the fires of her passing. I am fortunate to still be in relationship with my beautiful girlfriend. Its hard for her to see me so sad, for so long.

All that being said, I love her, I miss her and I wish she was still here, saying funny things, being silly…It wasn’t all bad. Mom was and is a beautiful spirit. I see that her transformation is also my transformation. And tho this is the most painful thing I’ve ever been thru, this is ultimately the path to my inner peace and joy.

I love you Mama.

Nature is Listening...

Last week I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. Until today. I wailed for my mama as if I were a small child. It felt good to let go like that, despite that fact that I was in so much pain. Mourning is really kicking my ass.

About a month ago I was wrought with pain over her death and I cried out to the heavens, “How long is this going to last?!” Later that night I received an answer.

I was on the train heading home from babysitting my lil pal Henry. Two women sat down in front of me and captured my attention with their pretend crowns and wands. They’d been to some sort of fun, uplifting event. They immediately started talking about losing their mothers. One had just lost hers. The other says, “It takes about 2 years to get over it. I’m living proof that it does get easier.” I immediately knew I was meant to hear this, and that spirit was talking directly to me. They continued chatting, each word ringing true in my ears and heart. I found myself feeling so cared for by the unseen forces that are all around us.

When I get in these moods, its tough figuring out what I need to be doing with myself. I have a whole list of “shoulds” that turns into a big list of “I don’t wanna’s”. I feel so miserable, I don’t do the should’s much justice anyway, so I don’t.



Nature usually saves my day in one way or the other. Whether that’s in caring for our chickens, feeding them backyard sushi (I found some worms that were being invaded by ants, so I took the live, ant covered earth worms to them, which was one of the coolest “we have chickens in our backyard” moments ever!) or discovering new plant life & blooming flowers in our yard and neighborhood. Being outside with the sun, wind, fragrant blossoms and rich dirt at my fingertips returns joy and energy to me, and softens the pain a bit as I reconnect to the cycles of life.

These photos are of flowers in our yard, beckoning me to smile, laugh and give thanks for all the joy and wonder I am surrounded by.

I love my jewelry! I am always delighted to see what comes thru!

When I set out to make this Coral necklace, I knew it would be a cool piece. It just looked so interesting. Little did I know that upon finishing it would look so much like an alien! It’s all I can see when I look at it. Did I watch the Alien movie series one too many times? Is it just me, or does this coral necklace look like an alien? Or perhaps some other sort of strange creature? Either way, this guy strutted his stuff when I photoed him. He wants to be chosen by you to wear and dazzle all of your friends!

He is wrapped with sterling silver. He is 2 3/4 inch long by 1 3/8 inch wide. $65

Unexpected Storms

A few days ago one of my friends asked me how I was doing. Great! I responded. A lil while after that I thought wow, I do feel great, I haven't been sad or upset about mom in awhile; I must really be getting over it. Not two hours after that, she was suddenly in my mind so intensely that I had a huge breakdown, and two days later I’m still not able to shake it.

I dreamt of her last night. There was a huge, weird, electrical type storm happening and all of my family was over at my grandma's. Mom was there too. She was distant, irritated, on drugs and I realized I had sort of traveled back into time. I wanted so badly to get to her and tell her, “Hey! You are going to commit suicide in a year and we are all going to be devastated. Please don't do it! We love you!” I wasn't able to get to her to say it. I’ve had a lot of dreams like this, seeing her and trying desperately to get to her and tell her how much we love her and to please not do it.

I feel like I’m back to where I left off a month ago, before I was suddenly packing, moving and unpacking. It feels like it’s just been sitting on the shelf, waiting for me to slow down again so it could reappear. Even the pain I feel in my ribs and body seems like it has been on hold and is suddenly here again.

Back in January I took a month off of work so I could grieve and heal. I allowed myself to totally be in that space. I wouldn’t even make social plans. I had one week left of my time off and knew that I was in no shape to go back to work. My energy was low, I felt depressed, and I was definitely not ready to talk to a thousand customers a week. I prayed a lot, looked deep within and decided to quit my job and move in with my girlfriend. Suddenly I had tremendous energy & joy. In 9 days I had packed and moved. Everything fell into place with amazing accuracy and I totally felt like a super hero. Since then I’ve been busy unpacking, getting settled and creating a beautiful office space in our home to work on my jewelry and other healing projects.

I feel disappointed that all this grief is back after having such a month of excitement and joy. I am glad that I listened to my instincts and didn’t return to Café Gratitude. I really miss my community, but I know I’m doing what I need to take care of myself.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone at Café Gratitude, my family & friends for their support. They helped me raise $1800 so that I could take the month off without worry of my bills. Their help allowed me to have the time and space to further see what I needed. I am so grateful! I love ya’ll!!!