When positive speaking limits your personal truth...

I'm really banging up against the wall of positive speaking. I totally get that our thoughts and words are powerful, and that they alone can create our experience. I totally understand the power of speaking positively about situations that are unpleasant, and I often am able to see the silver lining in the dark clouds. I understand the "fake it until you make it" mentality. Generating abundant, happy thoughts when one is down being a powerful way to turn your day around. Totally get it. However,I'm in a place where the "everything is great" mentality is not really honoring my experience.

My mom has suffered from severe depression since she was a child, and I can remember her being very ill since I was a child. It seems like this conversation started when I was around 11. Her not being at all well, and her requesting that we not tell anyone. She was really ashamed of her condition and didn't want anyone to know. This was way before the Internet and open talk of depression & anxiety hit mainstream. I didn't know what to do except protect my mama. So whenever anyone would ask me how mom was doing, no matter how bad it was, I would say, she's great, we're all wonderful. Protecting her in that way was teaching me to not honor my instincts,my truth,my pain and my fears. This led me into many, many years of not asking for help, trying to carry everyone on my back, not asking people to stand up for themselves, me trying to save everyone's day and leaving little time and energy for myself and my needs. Over the years I attracted many relationships with people who fell exactly into that equation. Oh how I have raged over these people! I've blamed them, I've hated them, I've lugged them around and called it love. I am so over it!

What that looks like for me now, particularly after my moms recent suicide is that I have to speak my truth. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me and the other person, I owe it to myself, and to them, to speak my truth and express how I feel. It lands how it lands. They get to have their experience. I am no longer available to shelter people from the truths of my life. I am not really helping anyone by doing so, especially me. Every time I keep something important about me and the situation I am in to myself, I stew inside over it, causing disharmony in all of my systems which ultimately leaves me very angry. I have no more space in my life to hold my truths and my reality in.

So how is this showing up for me right now? I feel like I'm in a battle of sorts with the whole saying you're good no matter what mentality. A friend asked me last week how I was doing and I said I'm having a challenging day. He says, no your not, your great, you want to always say you're great no matter what. I listened to what he had to say, understanding the background of it, yet experienced a serious uprising from within over it. Personally, I feel like acknowledging my day as challenging is extremely powerful. It says that this day is difficult for me and I am meeting the challenges head on, powerfully. I'm listening to my body, my soul and to spirit, and we're working it out. No, I am not feeling great, today. But I am Amanda and I am showing up powerfully in the face of all that is in front of me. Honoring myself truly, is acknowledging that, and not covering it up with the "I'm great" when I'm not word play. This incident was followed up with another the next day, where I spoke of my rib injuries and I said, it's going to take awhile to heal, and another friend corrected me with, "you're creating that, don't say that, you're making it worse!" It made me want to scream And shake him really hard. Rib injuries & structural alignment issues, TAKE TIME TO HEAL. That's just the way it is. Saying that I'm great when I'm in severe pain does not serve me! Dammit! I want to take a sledge hammer to this positively brick wall of everything is great. I have no interest in hiding behind a wall of positive words. I'm more interested in building a personal foundation of love,trust, acceptance & intuition in my relationship to myself, and thus, others.

Again, I understand the importance of thinking and speaking positively. Beyond that though, of most importance, is to honor one's process. To allow oneself to feel the range of emotions that are moving thru us as messengers. Brilliant jewels in one's self discovery and personal empowerment. The keys to our inner freedom are here in these uncomfortable places. I am in mourning. I want to experience it in a way that frees me from my past. That means speaking out when I'm in pain and asking for help. To have an expectation right now that everything is and should be great is like walking backwards for me. My heart hurts and my body hurts. That's where I am at. I am doing the work necessary to heal myself. I am committed to telling you exactly how I feel if you ask me. So if you do ask me how I'm doing, be ready for a smile, be ready for a tear. Mostly though, be ready to be present with me, in that moment we are sharing within our day.

Love,
Amanda

There is Nothing Like Backyard Fresh Fruit!

I SO love walking into our backyard and picking fresh fruit off of a tree! YAY California! There is nothing like picking sun ripened fruit and enjoying it on the spot. Even more special, is having friends over, picking the fruit, peeling and feeding it to them! =)

The squirrels, birds and mice have also enjoyed our Kumquat tree. We worked out an arrangement that they would only eat from the top half of the tree and I would only eat from what I am able to reach of the bottom half . (I made sure to let them know that I have go-go-gadget arms!)So far, everyone has fulfilled their part of the arrangement. =)

I hadn't heard of a kumquat until I moved to Oakland a few months ago. They symbolize good luck in China and other Asian countries where it is sometimes given as a gift during the lunar year.

They are so sweet and delicious! The tree has been producing for about 6 weeks and I have frozen several pounds for smoothies later in the year. =)

Where has Amanda disappeared to?

Ahh, there she is! Back out of another cycle of BIG transformation! I've been in a time warp of sorts since I last wrote in Jan. I met and fell in love with someone just after Christmas and we decided to move in together after only a couple weeks of dating. Wow! I was suddenly consumed with house hunting. Then packing, moving, unpacking, organizing,computer breakdown and to top it off a job change. In the midst of all that, I lost touch with my all raw reality, was mesmerized by coffee once more, and fell completely out of my exercise routine. I did maintain my veganism, tho I have definitely been tempted many times. Anyone want to guess how I'm feeling these days? Tired, groggy and cranky are at the top of the list. I'm faced with starting all over again. That phrase really annoys me, as I've started over so many times in my life. I'm going to change that to 'picking up where I left off'. I have a strong tendency to be hard on myself when these types of cycles appear, and I haven't wanted to write because of it. That doesn't help me or you though, and I am committed to sharing my process with you whether I'm feeling successful or not. I am continually reminded that we are all having the same life experience. In my sharing with you, you are able to see that you aren't alone in what you are going thru. I really want us all to love and support ourselves with the love and support of our community.

The romance between Mr. Coffee and I was short-lived, and after about 3 weeks of it, I was back to being bitchy. Took me another 3 wks to really push it out. I've been back on black tea for about two months now. SO happy about that.

I keep coming up with excuses about going all raw again, even though I know that's what I need right now. So instead of being a drill sergeant with myself, I'm adding raw foods in where I can, drinking wheatgrass again, as well as some other supplements; blue green algea & rainbow smoothie mix. Summer is a great time to be primarily raw, so i'm using that as extra motivation.

Talk to you soon!
Love,
Amanda

Vibing High into the New Year

I made it through the holidays Raw without any upset. I attended 4 parties and made homemade raw flax crackers with a nut cheese dip to share. Everyone loved my raw yummies and bypassed a table full of regular food for mine. I also ate before I went so that I wouldn't be tempted by hunger. Initially when I saw foods that I used to eat & love I thought Oh! I'm breaking my raw streak tonight! I must try that! I just rode through that feeling though, knowing deep down that I really didn't want it.

Thoughts of a cooked vegan dish were starting to pop up in my mind and I decided that once I started getting to that point of feeling deprived, I would feed that craving and see what I felt like. After being Raw for almost two months, its a breeze to remain vegan which is my ultimate long standing goal. So, on day 51 I decided I wanted to go and eat at my company's new Organic Vegan Mexican restaurant. It was a clear decision: I wanted to experience our new offering. It tasted great, however I didn't feel like, Oh hell yeah, I'm back on cooked food! Bring it! I experience really wanting a rich green salad, with a full knowing that running 95-100% Raw is where my body wants to be right now. I honestly feel great. My energy is high, my eyes are brigh, my skin is clear, my digestion is flowing, my attitude has improved. I feel Sunny! =)

I haven't had coffee in 3 weeks and I REALLY notice a difference. The tense anxiety of jangled nerves and dehydration is gone. I used black tea initially, but the caffeine started jacking me up like the coffee, so I've switched to Herba Matte, an herbal tea blend that has a healthy kick.

Now when I look at cakes & sweets that are full of fat, sugar and white flour, I find that it looks like plastic to me. Could you imagine eating plastic? Would any of you go to a restaurant and ask for a bowl of toxic chemicals with a glass of poison to wash it all down with? Sounds disgusting and ridiculous right? That's our standard american diet folks. (SAD) I know it's not easy to change ones diet, as i have been all over the charts with it for 24 years now. At the end of the day though, its easier to nourish your body with quality food than it is to be a prisoner in a sick body that is rapidly wasting away. Just try adding more greens, fruit & water in your life, and see how you feel. You are the sum of all your small steps!

Love,
Amanda

Quitting Coffee One Cup at a Time

This one is really tough for me. I’ve been hooked on the bean for 18 years!

Caffeine is the most widely used drug known to man. We’ve bogged our lives down so much with all this work, activity and fear that many of us truly need that lift in the day to get it all done.
Many people have successfully found healthy lifts though, so there is hope for us coffee addicts!

I am now on day 33 of Raw foods, and for the past week have been going thru a detox that feels like a cold. My body is really working hard to push out my toxin collection and is starting to get pretty upset with me about the coffee. The past two days I’ve felt a steady stream of nausea and I know its because of coffee.

So what’s my game plan? Quitting one cup a time. Replacing coffee for tea. Taking shots of E3 Live and Noni. Exercise more. And a friend just suggested having an apple each time I want coffee. I really love that idea, especially now that apples are in season!

20 Days of Raw Foods!

My body & mind are definitely functioning at higher levels. The only time I’ve wanted anything other than raw was alcohol related. I had a couple of beers at a Japanese restaurant and suddenly I wanted sushi. I wrestled back and forth with it for a little while and I realized that I was not craving the fish, nor did my body feel like it needed it. It was the beer, and that voice, that was asking for the sushi. I decided that I’d try the raw options first, and go from there. I ate two orders of seaweed salad, edamame, and 4 avocado & cucumber rolls without the rice. I was totally satisfied and bypassed having fish. A week later I had alcohol again, and this time I wanted potato chips. I didn’t give in to that either. Without a doubt, alcohol will derail me in many ways If I’m not careful. My stomach was very upset after each night of drinking and I remembered what I’ve learned dozens of times in my smoking career…Once your body becomes accustomed to healthy levels of functioning it will totally rebel when you reintroduce the toxins & poisons. It’s actually a great way of gauging your progress and a wonderful opportunity to discover your body’s desire to maintain homeostasis. I really enjoy communicating with my body to discover what I truly want and need to eat.
I’ve been eating a lot of heavy winter greens, avocados, nuts, seeds, goji berries, sea weed, apples, olives, garlic, onions & Kim Chee. Right now I am totally in love with Brazil nuts, Walnuts & Pumpkin seeds. I am drinking a lot of green juice, coconut water & milk, Banana smoothies with Maca, E3 Live along with lots of distilled water. We’ve started growing wheatgrass here at home and I am very excited about that becoming part of my daily routine. I feel that daily wheatgrass shots will raise my energy levels in a big way. I am still drinking coffee and thinking about ways to gently move past it. I've lost about 20 pounds in the past couple of months, mostly after going Raw!

Amazing results in just 9 days!

For some time now, my diet has been 75% raw. I’ve been regularly eating veggie sandwiches with sprouted grain or wheat bread, potato chips, occasional ice cream, beer & wine and once or twice a month I may have eggs or sushi and on rare occasion cheese, chicken and duck. I also used half and half in my coffee on occasion. Seems harmless enough right? The last nine days I’ve been vegan and completely raw for the last four and my energy is off the charts. The super foods I’ve added to my diet are Maca, E3 Live and Wheatgrass. Those have definitely helped. I have abstained from alcohol and I am walking 3 days a week for 30 minutes at a time. The results are amazing. I’ve lost ten pounds, my depression has lifted, my anxiety lessened, my eyes are bright and I can feel my posture correcting itself. I am really blown away at the difference just a few days can make. I began to feel surges of natural energy after 5 days. I don’t feel deprived at all. Every day of energy motivates me to create another one. The situations that were really annoying me a few weeks ago are now manageable, and I am navigating through my issues with greater ease.
I am still drinking coffee, and with every day I am becoming more attuned with how it is affecting my body. I feel anxious and jittery which always leads to irritation. I am forming a game plan on how to easy coffee out of my system. It’s also habitual, so I’ll look into some healthier alternatives to help ease the transition.

Love,
Amanda