Fenugreek Smoothie

This smoothie is so simple, and so incredibly tasty. I sprouted Fenugreek seeds and blended the sprouts with 1 cucumber and 1 avocado. Added water and a little bit of sea salt. I was blown away in delight over the taste. I drank it all and had to have another! A really cool side note on eating Fenugreek- it will make your sweat smell like maple syrup! No need for deodorant when Fenugreek is around. =)

Day 12 of a 15 day Alkaline Cleanse

I’ve wanted to give my body a good cleanse for over a year. It wasn’t until It became a class assignment that I had the determination to make it happen.

I had two choices of which cleanse to do. I chose the challenging one.

It’s broken up into 3 phases. The first 4 days you can have cooked veggies & Quinoa, the next 7 days its all raw, and the last 4 days is all liquid.

Initially I thought the cooked days would be a breeze while the rest would be tough. Ha! My mind, my routines and my habits went into battle mode right away. I was grouchy, anxious and not in the mood for any BS. I wondered how I would ever be able to live without Quinoa. (a habit I’d only had for 4 days!)

I moved into the Raw stage and marveled at how my energy went up and down through out the day. I thought, wow, this cleanse has turned me into a roller coaster! Oh wait- I was like this before the cleanse! Lol!

Cracking open coconuts has been a good release of aggression and the rewards are oh so sweet! My breakfast is Coconut smoothies that have coconut water, coconut meat & almond butter with a splash of vanilla and cinnamon. You wanna talk about delicious! Even after working out for 2 hours, I wasn’t hungry until way later in the day.

What I’ve noticed, and what I always notice when I only eat Raw food, is that I don’t need as much to eat. The organic vegetables I am eating are so nutritionally dense that my body is totally satisfied. When you take away the cravings everything shifts in a dramatic way. The past 3 days I’ve practically had to force myself to eat. I just haven’t felt hungry. I feel that I’m back in the flow of my body’s natural rhythm. Cleansing is such a fascinating process!

Today is the beginning of the all liquid segment. I feel pretty good. My eyes are bright, my mind feels sharp and my clothes fit a lot better.

Here is a list of the foods I can have in case any of you would like to try it.

- Everything green-lettuce, kale, collards, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, ect.
- All herbs- parsley, basil, cilantro, mint
- Cucumbers
- Sprouts
- Ginger, cayenne, jalapeno
- Avocados
- Olive Oil
- Garlic
- Sea Salt
- Tomatoes
- Lemons
- Grapefruit
- Watermelon
- Young Coconuts
- Raw Almonds and/or almond butter
- Raw sesame seeds and/or Tahini

I’ve been growing my own sprouts which is super fun, easy, cheap & tasty! I’ve also discovered that I love grapefruits. I would have never thought. These types of cleanses are excellent for resetting the taste buds. I have especially enjoyed the fresh lettuce, parsley & mint from our garden. (the dew kissed Kale is excited to feed me too!)

Another important part of the cleanse is regular enemas or colonics to flush your system out. The cleanse loosens toxins and if you don’t remove them your body will just reabsorb them and store them for a later opportunity. It’s not the most pleasant part of the process, tho I can definitely understand the benefits.

I feel inspired to keep my diet rich in these foods after the cleanse is over!

My best advice is to be prepared. Have plenty of fresh food and meal ideas and do not wait until you are very hungry to try and figure out what you are going to eat. Otherwise, you may feel like biting the person next to you! =)

Pineapple Carrot Juice

This is one of my favorite juice combination's! I feel SO good when I drink it!

1 Pineapple
11 Carrots
2 Oranges
Ginger- a piece that's 2 by 2 inches
1 Lemon or Lime (sometimes I use one of each)
A beautiful glass to drink it from!

I rarely go by a recipe when I juice- I paid attention when I made this batch to give you a starting point. Use your intuition to see what and how much your body needs on any given day. If you only have 2 or 3 of the ingredients, try that and see how you like it. Have fun experimenting with all sorts of combination's!

Blue Berry Toast

We are all talking about it... my sister, my girlfriend, my dad, myself...All of us want to take control of our eating habits. I am feeling inspired to post about the meals I put together & share my recipes with those of you would love some new healthy food ideas.

This is one of my new breakfast favorites!

Sprouted Multi-Grain Bread
Raw Almond Butter
St. Dalfour Wild Blueberry Jam (sweetened with Grape juice!)
Organic Blueberries

Toast bread & add almond butter, jam, berries and love for such a delightful meal!

Yesterday

Yesterday was my Mom’s birthday. I thought about her all day. I lit a candle for her on my alter, I told her Happy Birthday and I wished her peace, love, joy and all that she needs to continue healing her wounds of this life and before. I didn’t feel emotional about any of it and as I told one of my best friends over lunch, I haven’t really cried in several months. I have kept my distance from her. I know that’s a funny thing to say, considering she’s no longer in a body, and not limited to time or space.

The truth is, I’ve been keeping my distance from the sadness in my heart. Halloween tried to get my emotional doors open, as it is one of our favorite holidays. One day mid October, I was feeling really irritated and restless and something led me to a box in my closet that’s been taped shut for over a year. Suddenly, I was compelled to open it. I found a stack of cards in it and seconds later a Halloween Card from my mom, sent in 2007 came flying out of it. Wow! Just a few hours before at the post office, as I sent Halloween cards to my Sister, Grandmother and Aunt, I wished that I was also sending one to my mom. Imagine my surprise when shortly after I receive one from her! She didn’t stop there either, a birthday card from that same year also shot out of the stack. It was probably one of the sweetest, most heart felt cards she’s ever sent. I did miss this year’s birthday card from her and here it was, too.

I could feel her moving around me for days around Halloween. I was full of resistance, and couldn’t break thru it. In all honesty, I didn’t want to. After crying for a whole year, I feel very apprehensive about touching those painful spots.

I made it through my birthday, Halloween & her birthday without any tears, until today.

I heard the song "Yesterday", by the Beatles. The Beatles were her all-time favorite band. I always think of her when I hear them. I am blown away by the lyrics of this song and how it landed upon me today. I felt like Paul was singing directly to me, “Why she had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say…I said something wrong now I long for yesterday.”

I’ve cried all afternoon.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.

One Year Later

Wow. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year since my mother died. In many ways I feel worse instead of better. The past few weeks I’ve had a lot of anger and sadness spewing out. So much in fact, it leaves me wondering when it is ever going to end.

It’s been really difficult, being in such a vulnerable space. A few days ago, I cried for hours and felt so weak and fragile around it. I’ve never been needy or frail, so then a battle arises within of what in the hell is wrong with me? I realized this morning, that it actually is a sign of true strength to be able to let go like that and really be with the sadness and give it the space to breath and move out of my body.

I have what is termed as complicated grief. Not only was her death sudden and traumatic, but it was the ending of a very troubled relationship. My mother suffered from depression and drug abuse for 20 years and I did my very best to try and help her. Now I’m assigned with the task of helping myself heal from all of this. I’ve got my work cut out for me.

This isn’t just about the day she decided to die. It’s about our life together, and all the anger and frustration and disappointment around that, that is stored in my body, and now flooding out. And It doesn’t stop with just that either. Her death has also cracked open the past for me in other ways. Patterns, beliefs and ways of being that I have around relationships, house chores, work ethic, sleeping, eating, smoking, reacting, defending, running away…the list just keeps on going. I had no idea I was such a hot mess. I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about my mom’s problems, I haven’t been able to really see my own.

I am also choosing to honor my anger. It’s important. And I want to share what I’m angry about.

I’m angry that people still try to say that she didn’t commit suicide, that it was an accident or murder.

I’m angry that the Shelby Daily Star, dug all of this up a few weeks ago, blasted it on the front page, and listed gruesome details of her death that we’ve never even heard. The reporter camped out at my grandparents all day, waiting to ask someone, “well, how do you and your family feel?” Really?! How the hell do you think we feel?!

I’m angry at the pharmaceutical companies for prescribing drugs that are known to cause suicide. Why would you give this to a depressed person?

I’m angry at my mom for peacing out like this. I hear, “well, she’s not suffering anymore, she’s in a better place.” Well good for her. I’ve never been in a worse place, and I have her to thank for it.

All these years, I’ve had my success’s, my joys, my accomplishments be overshadowed by what my mom was going thru. I’ve never felt like I had room to be completely expressed and seen. Her death and the timing of it has been the ultimate inconvenience. My new home, new relationship, job promotion- all of those hard earned joys, swept away in the fires of her passing. I am fortunate to still be in relationship with my beautiful girlfriend. Its hard for her to see me so sad, for so long.

All that being said, I love her, I miss her and I wish she was still here, saying funny things, being silly…It wasn’t all bad. Mom was and is a beautiful spirit. I see that her transformation is also my transformation. And tho this is the most painful thing I’ve ever been thru, this is ultimately the path to my inner peace and joy.

I love you Mama.

Nature is Listening...

Last week I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. Until today. I wailed for my mama as if I were a small child. It felt good to let go like that, despite that fact that I was in so much pain. Mourning is really kicking my ass.

About a month ago I was wrought with pain over her death and I cried out to the heavens, “How long is this going to last?!” Later that night I received an answer.

I was on the train heading home from babysitting my lil pal Henry. Two women sat down in front of me and captured my attention with their pretend crowns and wands. They’d been to some sort of fun, uplifting event. They immediately started talking about losing their mothers. One had just lost hers. The other says, “It takes about 2 years to get over it. I’m living proof that it does get easier.” I immediately knew I was meant to hear this, and that spirit was talking directly to me. They continued chatting, each word ringing true in my ears and heart. I found myself feeling so cared for by the unseen forces that are all around us.

When I get in these moods, its tough figuring out what I need to be doing with myself. I have a whole list of “shoulds” that turns into a big list of “I don’t wanna’s”. I feel so miserable, I don’t do the should’s much justice anyway, so I don’t.



Nature usually saves my day in one way or the other. Whether that’s in caring for our chickens, feeding them backyard sushi (I found some worms that were being invaded by ants, so I took the live, ant covered earth worms to them, which was one of the coolest “we have chickens in our backyard” moments ever!) or discovering new plant life & blooming flowers in our yard and neighborhood. Being outside with the sun, wind, fragrant blossoms and rich dirt at my fingertips returns joy and energy to me, and softens the pain a bit as I reconnect to the cycles of life.

These photos are of flowers in our yard, beckoning me to smile, laugh and give thanks for all the joy and wonder I am surrounded by.

I love my jewelry! I am always delighted to see what comes thru!

When I set out to make this Coral necklace, I knew it would be a cool piece. It just looked so interesting. Little did I know that upon finishing it would look so much like an alien! It’s all I can see when I look at it. Did I watch the Alien movie series one too many times? Is it just me, or does this coral necklace look like an alien? Or perhaps some other sort of strange creature? Either way, this guy strutted his stuff when I photoed him. He wants to be chosen by you to wear and dazzle all of your friends!

He is wrapped with sterling silver. He is 2 3/4 inch long by 1 3/8 inch wide. $65

Unexpected Storms

A few days ago one of my friends asked me how I was doing. Great! I responded. A lil while after that I thought wow, I do feel great, I haven't been sad or upset about mom in awhile; I must really be getting over it. Not two hours after that, she was suddenly in my mind so intensely that I had a huge breakdown, and two days later I’m still not able to shake it.

I dreamt of her last night. There was a huge, weird, electrical type storm happening and all of my family was over at my grandma's. Mom was there too. She was distant, irritated, on drugs and I realized I had sort of traveled back into time. I wanted so badly to get to her and tell her, “Hey! You are going to commit suicide in a year and we are all going to be devastated. Please don't do it! We love you!” I wasn't able to get to her to say it. I’ve had a lot of dreams like this, seeing her and trying desperately to get to her and tell her how much we love her and to please not do it.

I feel like I’m back to where I left off a month ago, before I was suddenly packing, moving and unpacking. It feels like it’s just been sitting on the shelf, waiting for me to slow down again so it could reappear. Even the pain I feel in my ribs and body seems like it has been on hold and is suddenly here again.

Back in January I took a month off of work so I could grieve and heal. I allowed myself to totally be in that space. I wouldn’t even make social plans. I had one week left of my time off and knew that I was in no shape to go back to work. My energy was low, I felt depressed, and I was definitely not ready to talk to a thousand customers a week. I prayed a lot, looked deep within and decided to quit my job and move in with my girlfriend. Suddenly I had tremendous energy & joy. In 9 days I had packed and moved. Everything fell into place with amazing accuracy and I totally felt like a super hero. Since then I’ve been busy unpacking, getting settled and creating a beautiful office space in our home to work on my jewelry and other healing projects.

I feel disappointed that all this grief is back after having such a month of excitement and joy. I am glad that I listened to my instincts and didn’t return to Café Gratitude. I really miss my community, but I know I’m doing what I need to take care of myself.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone at Café Gratitude, my family & friends for their support. They helped me raise $1800 so that I could take the month off without worry of my bills. Their help allowed me to have the time and space to further see what I needed. I am so grateful! I love ya’ll!!!

How Do You View Your Body?

Whose view of what’s beautiful and sexy are you listening to? Whose body do you compare yours to? How often do you criticize your self and the way you look?

I worked in sales at a high end fitness club a few years ago. A big part of my job was giving tours to prospective members around the gym. Each day I made many laps throughout the gym and the ladies dressing room. I also had an office with a glass wall that faced about 30 machines. What I saw was shocking. Beautiful women with perfect bodies who still hated the way they looked. I watched the way they looked at themselves in the mirror, the way they moved around the club and interacted with others. I watched them compare themselves to other women and walk away distressed. It really hit me. Nobody is happy with the way they look. Even when the body is in perfect condition, there is still a constant drive to lose just one more inch, one more pound. WHY?!

We don’t see ourselves as we truly are.


I have also suffered from this. Thinking I was fat, gaining 20 pounds and then later realizing, wow, I actually was thin back then. I was too focused on a future image to enjoy who I was in the present. I had my happiness & satisfaction based out in the future, so even when I was great in shape my futuristic thinking kept driving me to do more, because this wasn’t enough.


When we constantly say things like, “I’ll be happy when I lose 15 pounds”, “I’ll be happy when I get those nice boots”, “I’ll be happy when I get my degree/job/house/mate, etc.”, we create that happiness is out there, and not here, right now. Happiness can only be experienced in the present moment. If we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others and putting the achievement of happiness in the future, we’ll never get there. Even when we do achieve it, we’re not able to fully enjoy it because we’ve been conditioned to think that it’s still out there in the future. You’ll always think that you have to accomplish more to have it. How many times have you gotten something that you wanted and after the excitement wore off found that you still weren’t happy?

I noticed that when I quit calling myself fat, I lost weight without any other change being made. If you keep thinking that you are fat, you’ll keep living into being fat. Whether that means overeating, not exercising, not being able to drop pounds or simply not seeing yourself as you truly are.

Listen to your inner tapes. Are you mean to yourself about your body? Would you be as mean to your friends and family as you are to yourself? One of my good friends once said to me, “Don’t be mean to Amanda. She’s my friend.” Boy, did she really get my attention!

Just think about the phrase “I am fat”. Really? All you are is fat? Aren’t you also bones, muscles, ligaments and tendons? With a brain, mind, organs, heart and capability for tremendous love & compassion? Try on saying, “I am healthy. With every day I become more fit and beautiful.” I promise you, it will make a difference.

Gems from the Goddess

I absolutely love sharing my creations with the world. I have sold my jewelry in many different settings and each time I have witnessed someone fall in love with one of my pieces and walk away saddened by not having the funds to buy. I have always had the impulse to give, but have not known exactly how to whilst remaining in integrity with my business goals. Gems from the Goddess is a program I have created to do just that. I will post a necklace each month that I will give away, completely free of charge.

I have chosen a beautiful Amethyst necklace for the month of February. For more information about this program and this months offering, go to www.dragonflycrystals.com

Love,

Amanda

Finding Love in Unexpected Places

I met Meg when I started working at Café Gratitude a year and half ago. She totally annoyed me. I shut down and closed off to her during every single interaction. She hadn’t done anything bad or wrong to me and when I thought about why I was feeling this way I discovered that she reminded me of my mom. Every time I saw her or heard her voice it was like fingernails on the chalk board. I was instantly triggered and all of my buttons were pushed. I couldn’t get past it. I decided that if she ever asked me why I was so closed off to her, I’d open up and tell her what I was experiencing.

Last week she came to a woman’s circle I am part of. I hosted the gathering that night and when I heard she was coming, my first reaction was oh no! How can I be shut down in a sacred space of trust and sharing?! I quickly realized I’d best get over it real fast. This wasn’t the time or place for my attitude. I was a little nervous when she walked thru the door and tried to avoid her by being completely hypnotized in the conversation I was in. Then we were face to face. Her face was lit up with love and I could see how joyful she was over being here. I hugged her and my heart melted. My walls came crashing down, and I realized, oh my God, she is this beautiful source of light and I’ve been unable to see past my discomfort to actually see her. I welcomed her into my home, and all night I held her presence with love. I wanted to share my breakthrough with her & the group but it didn’t seem appropriate at the time. After everyone left I shared with my partner how blown away I was by the turn of my emotional disposition towards her. It felt so good to have my heart open.

A couple of days ago, I was feeling incredibly sad over my mom. I really miss her and I felt alone and abandoned by her. I was lying on the chiropractor table, face down, receiving a massage and I heard a voice say, “Hey Amanda.” It is unusual for me that I can’t place a voice. “Who is that?” I asked. “It‘s Meg. I’m working here now. I was thinking of you yesterday,” she said. I was floored. A version of mom is here. Someone whom I’ve withheld love from, simply because she triggered painful wounds & memories inside of me. She’s here and she’s being nice to me. I started crying.

A few minutes later Meg was back and massaging me. She told me she wants to offer me free healing sessions to help me through my emotional process and asked if I would be a case study for her. She said she wrote my name down on a piece of paper the day before and thought, how am I going to approach Amanda with this?

I was overcome with grief and awareness that a woman I once pushed away because she reminded me of mom, was here now, on a day where I was missing my mother so much, cradling me, offering healing and looking at me with such unconditional love. I opened up to Meg and told her about how I’ve felt towards her all this time and why, shared my heart opening from last week’s women’s circle, and my deep gratitude for her being here for me now. It felt so good to apologize and take responsibility for who I’ve been towards her. She listened with love and acceptance and told me that she had never taken it personally. I felt so relieved. Most of all, I felt incredibly blessed to have an opportunity to connect and heal with someone who reminds me so much of mom.

Love,
Amanda

11:11

Most of my life I’ve looked at the clock when it was 11:11. Mom told me about a year ago that was her & dad’s time when they were together. They would often look at the clock at that exact moment and say 11:11! Since mom’s passing, I’ve started thinking of her when seeing it. Today date is 1/11/11 and I am reminded of a recent 11:11 moment that blew me away.

It was mid November and I was feeling really bummed out over her death. I walked to the coffee shop for a lift of sorts and on my way back, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. I thought of mom and was immediately pulled into a conversation a man and his 5 year old daughter were having as they were getting out of their car. It went like this…

“She committed suicide?” the little girl asked. (her question also felt like a question of 'What is suicide?')
“Yes”, he responds.
“How?”
“She was in a crazy rage and just couldn’t take it anymore” he said.
“How did she do it?” She asked.
“We’ll never really know what happened honey” he replied.

I spun my head around in shock. REALLY?! This is what your talking about the EXACT moment I walk by and look at my clock and see 11:11 and think of Mom?!?! Our eyes locked and he looked at me with the most loving, comforting, angelic face I’ve ever seen. It was as if he & spirit were talking to me directly the entire time. I was disappointed that my trip to lift my spirits with caffeine provided no escape. I walked away, in disbelief that this had happened, knowing he spoke the truth. We’ll never know exactly what happened those last days of her life. What we do know is that she is now at peace.

Request for Financial Support

Dear friends and family,

For those of you who don't know, I lost my mother to suicide on Aug. 11, 2010. It was totally unexpected and rather shocking. I've dug deep and worked very hard to show up powerfully and positively while continuing to serve hundreds of Oakland Cafe Gratitude patrons each day since this happened. It's been the most challenging experience I've ever been through and I am at my breaking point. For months I made up that I couldn't afford to take time off from work, as every check is already spoken for. My financial situation hasn't changed, but my overall disposition has. I cannot keep shutting out the pain and ignoring my healing needs. I am exhausted. I am in a lot of emotional and physical pain and I require some time to myself to grieve and heal. It's clear to me that taking a leave of absence from work is what I must do to take care of myself right now. I need to raise about $1800 to pay my rent and bills during the month that I will be away. I am requesting your support on this leg of my journey. I deeply appreciate anything that you can offer to help me during this time of great need. My leave of absence will be from Jan. 15 thru Feb. 15th.
If you are not in a position to offer money, but perhaps have extra food to share, or massaging hands to love up my body with, that would also be greatly appreciated.

I want to thank each of you for being in my life and loving me the way you do. I love you all very much, and thank you for your continued support.

Love,
Amanda

Surviving Suicide

I've wanted to write about this since she died...When I'm upset I haven't felt like reaching out and when I'm not upset I don't wanna think about it too much. I know that it is important that I share & I truly want to. There are many versions of Me out there in the world. I want to support those Me's, including the Me that's here talking to you. This part of my blog is dedicated to losing my mom to suicide & the mourning process I am experiencing. I invite you to reach out to me and ask me how I'm doing & what I'm up to help myself heal from this great loss.

I've experienced so many ups and downs around her death. My mind and body are hard at work grieving and much of that is happening behind the scenes of my conscious mind...

* I find myself sighing often. Each time it happens it feels like release and a level of acceptance.
* 4-5 days a week I sleep 10-13 hours a night. This is really unusual for me as I use to sleep only 6 or 7 hours a night. I can see this is an important part of my healing process and I allow myself to sleep as long as possible.
* I feel myself go thru layers of realization. Last week it hit me as if it had just happened and I was blown away by the awareness that my mom really did commit suicide.
* I remember things I haven't thought of in years. Funny things mom used to say and do, as well as happenings between us that weren't at all funny.
* I am totally indecisive around food. I don't know what I want to eat & I rarely feel like cooking, which is something that I love. I've eaten out more in the past 4 months than I have in 4 years.
* I often want to isolate, even though I really don't want to be alone.
* I suddenly have a lot of fear & anxiety. I feel worried that I will be attacked or suffer some other sort of great loss. Hearing my phone ring often stresses me out-I am afraid that I'll get another call of someone's else's death.

I joined a 10 wk support group for suicide survivor's a few weeks ago. I was surprised to find out that I've been thru a catastrophic event. No wonder I feel so traumatized and hypersensitive. Whew! What a relief that there is nothing wrong with me, this is just the process of this type of sudden trauma. I can let go of judgment that I should be doing more, or I should be over it by now. I hear that this takes years to get over, and that it gets easier over time. The thought of going thru this for years to come is not at all appealing to me.

It's difficult to be in so much pain while continuing to work & play full time. When I'm in a good mood, I want to stay there. When I have to work, I certainly don't want to think of it. On the days where I've had breakdowns before & during my shifts, I felt absolutely raw, vulnerable and stretched super thin, equaling loong days of customer service. When I feel like that I just want to teleport directly into my apartment rather than be in the public eye. So, on busy days where I need to show up powerfully, I rally myself and push it over to the side. When I do that I can feel her & the energy of this all about 15 feet to my right, hanging in the air and waiting for a space to land. As soon as I have a few hours to myself without anything or anyone needing my attention, it lands on me and I am consumed with grief and sobbing for hours. There's no getting away from it, really.


I have worried a lot about being a downer around my friends and community. I get that they want to be here for me, and it is a gift for them to do so. I have so much love in my life & I am so very grateful for that. Mom's death has helped me open my heart to unconditional love in ways I've never known and that's probably one of the greatest gifts she could ever give me. Before, I was very easy to shut down and push people that I loved away in the face of upset. It's as if her fiery death also burned down my walls of protection. I've tried to put them up and I can't find them anymore. There's no more hiding for me. I can't hide from myself, I can't hide from my community, I can't hide from spirit and I can't hide from my mom any more.

Love,
Amanda

When positive speaking limits your personal truth...

I'm really banging up against the wall of positive speaking. I totally get that our thoughts and words are powerful, and that they alone can create our experience. I totally understand the power of speaking positively about situations that are unpleasant, and I often am able to see the silver lining in the dark clouds. I understand the "fake it until you make it" mentality. Generating abundant, happy thoughts when one is down being a powerful way to turn your day around. Totally get it. However,I'm in a place where the "everything is great" mentality is not really honoring my experience.

My mom has suffered from severe depression since she was a child, and I can remember her being very ill since I was a child. It seems like this conversation started when I was around 11. Her not being at all well, and her requesting that we not tell anyone. She was really ashamed of her condition and didn't want anyone to know. This was way before the Internet and open talk of depression & anxiety hit mainstream. I didn't know what to do except protect my mama. So whenever anyone would ask me how mom was doing, no matter how bad it was, I would say, she's great, we're all wonderful. Protecting her in that way was teaching me to not honor my instincts,my truth,my pain and my fears. This led me into many, many years of not asking for help, trying to carry everyone on my back, not asking people to stand up for themselves, me trying to save everyone's day and leaving little time and energy for myself and my needs. Over the years I attracted many relationships with people who fell exactly into that equation. Oh how I have raged over these people! I've blamed them, I've hated them, I've lugged them around and called it love. I am so over it!

What that looks like for me now, particularly after my moms recent suicide is that I have to speak my truth. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me and the other person, I owe it to myself, and to them, to speak my truth and express how I feel. It lands how it lands. They get to have their experience. I am no longer available to shelter people from the truths of my life. I am not really helping anyone by doing so, especially me. Every time I keep something important about me and the situation I am in to myself, I stew inside over it, causing disharmony in all of my systems which ultimately leaves me very angry. I have no more space in my life to hold my truths and my reality in.

So how is this showing up for me right now? I feel like I'm in a battle of sorts with the whole saying you're good no matter what mentality. A friend asked me last week how I was doing and I said I'm having a challenging day. He says, no your not, your great, you want to always say you're great no matter what. I listened to what he had to say, understanding the background of it, yet experienced a serious uprising from within over it. Personally, I feel like acknowledging my day as challenging is extremely powerful. It says that this day is difficult for me and I am meeting the challenges head on, powerfully. I'm listening to my body, my soul and to spirit, and we're working it out. No, I am not feeling great, today. But I am Amanda and I am showing up powerfully in the face of all that is in front of me. Honoring myself truly, is acknowledging that, and not covering it up with the "I'm great" when I'm not word play. This incident was followed up with another the next day, where I spoke of my rib injuries and I said, it's going to take awhile to heal, and another friend corrected me with, "you're creating that, don't say that, you're making it worse!" It made me want to scream And shake him really hard. Rib injuries & structural alignment issues, TAKE TIME TO HEAL. That's just the way it is. Saying that I'm great when I'm in severe pain does not serve me! Dammit! I want to take a sledge hammer to this positively brick wall of everything is great. I have no interest in hiding behind a wall of positive words. I'm more interested in building a personal foundation of love,trust, acceptance & intuition in my relationship to myself, and thus, others.

Again, I understand the importance of thinking and speaking positively. Beyond that though, of most importance, is to honor one's process. To allow oneself to feel the range of emotions that are moving thru us as messengers. Brilliant jewels in one's self discovery and personal empowerment. The keys to our inner freedom are here in these uncomfortable places. I am in mourning. I want to experience it in a way that frees me from my past. That means speaking out when I'm in pain and asking for help. To have an expectation right now that everything is and should be great is like walking backwards for me. My heart hurts and my body hurts. That's where I am at. I am doing the work necessary to heal myself. I am committed to telling you exactly how I feel if you ask me. So if you do ask me how I'm doing, be ready for a smile, be ready for a tear. Mostly though, be ready to be present with me, in that moment we are sharing within our day.

Love,
Amanda

There is Nothing Like Backyard Fresh Fruit!

I SO love walking into our backyard and picking fresh fruit off of a tree! YAY California! There is nothing like picking sun ripened fruit and enjoying it on the spot. Even more special, is having friends over, picking the fruit, peeling and feeding it to them! =)

The squirrels, birds and mice have also enjoyed our Kumquat tree. We worked out an arrangement that they would only eat from the top half of the tree and I would only eat from what I am able to reach of the bottom half . (I made sure to let them know that I have go-go-gadget arms!)So far, everyone has fulfilled their part of the arrangement. =)

I hadn't heard of a kumquat until I moved to Oakland a few months ago. They symbolize good luck in China and other Asian countries where it is sometimes given as a gift during the lunar year.

They are so sweet and delicious! The tree has been producing for about 6 weeks and I have frozen several pounds for smoothies later in the year. =)

Where has Amanda disappeared to?

Ahh, there she is! Back out of another cycle of BIG transformation! I've been in a time warp of sorts since I last wrote in Jan. I met and fell in love with someone just after Christmas and we decided to move in together after only a couple weeks of dating. Wow! I was suddenly consumed with house hunting. Then packing, moving, unpacking, organizing,computer breakdown and to top it off a job change. In the midst of all that, I lost touch with my all raw reality, was mesmerized by coffee once more, and fell completely out of my exercise routine. I did maintain my veganism, tho I have definitely been tempted many times. Anyone want to guess how I'm feeling these days? Tired, groggy and cranky are at the top of the list. I'm faced with starting all over again. That phrase really annoys me, as I've started over so many times in my life. I'm going to change that to 'picking up where I left off'. I have a strong tendency to be hard on myself when these types of cycles appear, and I haven't wanted to write because of it. That doesn't help me or you though, and I am committed to sharing my process with you whether I'm feeling successful or not. I am continually reminded that we are all having the same life experience. In my sharing with you, you are able to see that you aren't alone in what you are going thru. I really want us all to love and support ourselves with the love and support of our community.

The romance between Mr. Coffee and I was short-lived, and after about 3 weeks of it, I was back to being bitchy. Took me another 3 wks to really push it out. I've been back on black tea for about two months now. SO happy about that.

I keep coming up with excuses about going all raw again, even though I know that's what I need right now. So instead of being a drill sergeant with myself, I'm adding raw foods in where I can, drinking wheatgrass again, as well as some other supplements; blue green algea & rainbow smoothie mix. Summer is a great time to be primarily raw, so i'm using that as extra motivation.

Talk to you soon!
Love,
Amanda

Vibing High into the New Year

I made it through the holidays Raw without any upset. I attended 4 parties and made homemade raw flax crackers with a nut cheese dip to share. Everyone loved my raw yummies and bypassed a table full of regular food for mine. I also ate before I went so that I wouldn't be tempted by hunger. Initially when I saw foods that I used to eat & love I thought Oh! I'm breaking my raw streak tonight! I must try that! I just rode through that feeling though, knowing deep down that I really didn't want it.

Thoughts of a cooked vegan dish were starting to pop up in my mind and I decided that once I started getting to that point of feeling deprived, I would feed that craving and see what I felt like. After being Raw for almost two months, its a breeze to remain vegan which is my ultimate long standing goal. So, on day 51 I decided I wanted to go and eat at my company's new Organic Vegan Mexican restaurant. It was a clear decision: I wanted to experience our new offering. It tasted great, however I didn't feel like, Oh hell yeah, I'm back on cooked food! Bring it! I experience really wanting a rich green salad, with a full knowing that running 95-100% Raw is where my body wants to be right now. I honestly feel great. My energy is high, my eyes are brigh, my skin is clear, my digestion is flowing, my attitude has improved. I feel Sunny! =)

I haven't had coffee in 3 weeks and I REALLY notice a difference. The tense anxiety of jangled nerves and dehydration is gone. I used black tea initially, but the caffeine started jacking me up like the coffee, so I've switched to Herba Matte, an herbal tea blend that has a healthy kick.

Now when I look at cakes & sweets that are full of fat, sugar and white flour, I find that it looks like plastic to me. Could you imagine eating plastic? Would any of you go to a restaurant and ask for a bowl of toxic chemicals with a glass of poison to wash it all down with? Sounds disgusting and ridiculous right? That's our standard american diet folks. (SAD) I know it's not easy to change ones diet, as i have been all over the charts with it for 24 years now. At the end of the day though, its easier to nourish your body with quality food than it is to be a prisoner in a sick body that is rapidly wasting away. Just try adding more greens, fruit & water in your life, and see how you feel. You are the sum of all your small steps!

Love,
Amanda

Quitting Coffee One Cup at a Time

This one is really tough for me. I’ve been hooked on the bean for 18 years!

Caffeine is the most widely used drug known to man. We’ve bogged our lives down so much with all this work, activity and fear that many of us truly need that lift in the day to get it all done.
Many people have successfully found healthy lifts though, so there is hope for us coffee addicts!

I am now on day 33 of Raw foods, and for the past week have been going thru a detox that feels like a cold. My body is really working hard to push out my toxin collection and is starting to get pretty upset with me about the coffee. The past two days I’ve felt a steady stream of nausea and I know its because of coffee.

So what’s my game plan? Quitting one cup a time. Replacing coffee for tea. Taking shots of E3 Live and Noni. Exercise more. And a friend just suggested having an apple each time I want coffee. I really love that idea, especially now that apples are in season!