Finding Love in Unexpected Places

I met Meg when I started working at Café Gratitude a year and half ago. She totally annoyed me. I shut down and closed off to her during every single interaction. She hadn’t done anything bad or wrong to me and when I thought about why I was feeling this way I discovered that she reminded me of my mom. Every time I saw her or heard her voice it was like fingernails on the chalk board. I was instantly triggered and all of my buttons were pushed. I couldn’t get past it. I decided that if she ever asked me why I was so closed off to her, I’d open up and tell her what I was experiencing.

Last week she came to a woman’s circle I am part of. I hosted the gathering that night and when I heard she was coming, my first reaction was oh no! How can I be shut down in a sacred space of trust and sharing?! I quickly realized I’d best get over it real fast. This wasn’t the time or place for my attitude. I was a little nervous when she walked thru the door and tried to avoid her by being completely hypnotized in the conversation I was in. Then we were face to face. Her face was lit up with love and I could see how joyful she was over being here. I hugged her and my heart melted. My walls came crashing down, and I realized, oh my God, she is this beautiful source of light and I’ve been unable to see past my discomfort to actually see her. I welcomed her into my home, and all night I held her presence with love. I wanted to share my breakthrough with her & the group but it didn’t seem appropriate at the time. After everyone left I shared with my partner how blown away I was by the turn of my emotional disposition towards her. It felt so good to have my heart open.

A couple of days ago, I was feeling incredibly sad over my mom. I really miss her and I felt alone and abandoned by her. I was lying on the chiropractor table, face down, receiving a massage and I heard a voice say, “Hey Amanda.” It is unusual for me that I can’t place a voice. “Who is that?” I asked. “It‘s Meg. I’m working here now. I was thinking of you yesterday,” she said. I was floored. A version of mom is here. Someone whom I’ve withheld love from, simply because she triggered painful wounds & memories inside of me. She’s here and she’s being nice to me. I started crying.

A few minutes later Meg was back and massaging me. She told me she wants to offer me free healing sessions to help me through my emotional process and asked if I would be a case study for her. She said she wrote my name down on a piece of paper the day before and thought, how am I going to approach Amanda with this?

I was overcome with grief and awareness that a woman I once pushed away because she reminded me of mom, was here now, on a day where I was missing my mother so much, cradling me, offering healing and looking at me with such unconditional love. I opened up to Meg and told her about how I’ve felt towards her all this time and why, shared my heart opening from last week’s women’s circle, and my deep gratitude for her being here for me now. It felt so good to apologize and take responsibility for who I’ve been towards her. She listened with love and acceptance and told me that she had never taken it personally. I felt so relieved. Most of all, I felt incredibly blessed to have an opportunity to connect and heal with someone who reminds me so much of mom.

Love,
Amanda

11:11

Most of my life I’ve looked at the clock when it was 11:11. Mom told me about a year ago that was her & dad’s time when they were together. They would often look at the clock at that exact moment and say 11:11! Since mom’s passing, I’ve started thinking of her when seeing it. Today date is 1/11/11 and I am reminded of a recent 11:11 moment that blew me away.

It was mid November and I was feeling really bummed out over her death. I walked to the coffee shop for a lift of sorts and on my way back, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. I thought of mom and was immediately pulled into a conversation a man and his 5 year old daughter were having as they were getting out of their car. It went like this…

“She committed suicide?” the little girl asked. (her question also felt like a question of 'What is suicide?')
“Yes”, he responds.
“How?”
“She was in a crazy rage and just couldn’t take it anymore” he said.
“How did she do it?” She asked.
“We’ll never really know what happened honey” he replied.

I spun my head around in shock. REALLY?! This is what your talking about the EXACT moment I walk by and look at my clock and see 11:11 and think of Mom?!?! Our eyes locked and he looked at me with the most loving, comforting, angelic face I’ve ever seen. It was as if he & spirit were talking to me directly the entire time. I was disappointed that my trip to lift my spirits with caffeine provided no escape. I walked away, in disbelief that this had happened, knowing he spoke the truth. We’ll never know exactly what happened those last days of her life. What we do know is that she is now at peace.

Request for Financial Support

Dear friends and family,

For those of you who don't know, I lost my mother to suicide on Aug. 11, 2010. It was totally unexpected and rather shocking. I've dug deep and worked very hard to show up powerfully and positively while continuing to serve hundreds of Oakland Cafe Gratitude patrons each day since this happened. It's been the most challenging experience I've ever been through and I am at my breaking point. For months I made up that I couldn't afford to take time off from work, as every check is already spoken for. My financial situation hasn't changed, but my overall disposition has. I cannot keep shutting out the pain and ignoring my healing needs. I am exhausted. I am in a lot of emotional and physical pain and I require some time to myself to grieve and heal. It's clear to me that taking a leave of absence from work is what I must do to take care of myself right now. I need to raise about $1800 to pay my rent and bills during the month that I will be away. I am requesting your support on this leg of my journey. I deeply appreciate anything that you can offer to help me during this time of great need. My leave of absence will be from Jan. 15 thru Feb. 15th.
If you are not in a position to offer money, but perhaps have extra food to share, or massaging hands to love up my body with, that would also be greatly appreciated.

I want to thank each of you for being in my life and loving me the way you do. I love you all very much, and thank you for your continued support.

Love,
Amanda

Surviving Suicide

I've wanted to write about this since she died...When I'm upset I haven't felt like reaching out and when I'm not upset I don't wanna think about it too much. I know that it is important that I share & I truly want to. There are many versions of Me out there in the world. I want to support those Me's, including the Me that's here talking to you. This part of my blog is dedicated to losing my mom to suicide & the mourning process I am experiencing. I invite you to reach out to me and ask me how I'm doing & what I'm up to help myself heal from this great loss.

I've experienced so many ups and downs around her death. My mind and body are hard at work grieving and much of that is happening behind the scenes of my conscious mind...

* I find myself sighing often. Each time it happens it feels like release and a level of acceptance.
* 4-5 days a week I sleep 10-13 hours a night. This is really unusual for me as I use to sleep only 6 or 7 hours a night. I can see this is an important part of my healing process and I allow myself to sleep as long as possible.
* I feel myself go thru layers of realization. Last week it hit me as if it had just happened and I was blown away by the awareness that my mom really did commit suicide.
* I remember things I haven't thought of in years. Funny things mom used to say and do, as well as happenings between us that weren't at all funny.
* I am totally indecisive around food. I don't know what I want to eat & I rarely feel like cooking, which is something that I love. I've eaten out more in the past 4 months than I have in 4 years.
* I often want to isolate, even though I really don't want to be alone.
* I suddenly have a lot of fear & anxiety. I feel worried that I will be attacked or suffer some other sort of great loss. Hearing my phone ring often stresses me out-I am afraid that I'll get another call of someone's else's death.

I joined a 10 wk support group for suicide survivor's a few weeks ago. I was surprised to find out that I've been thru a catastrophic event. No wonder I feel so traumatized and hypersensitive. Whew! What a relief that there is nothing wrong with me, this is just the process of this type of sudden trauma. I can let go of judgment that I should be doing more, or I should be over it by now. I hear that this takes years to get over, and that it gets easier over time. The thought of going thru this for years to come is not at all appealing to me.

It's difficult to be in so much pain while continuing to work & play full time. When I'm in a good mood, I want to stay there. When I have to work, I certainly don't want to think of it. On the days where I've had breakdowns before & during my shifts, I felt absolutely raw, vulnerable and stretched super thin, equaling loong days of customer service. When I feel like that I just want to teleport directly into my apartment rather than be in the public eye. So, on busy days where I need to show up powerfully, I rally myself and push it over to the side. When I do that I can feel her & the energy of this all about 15 feet to my right, hanging in the air and waiting for a space to land. As soon as I have a few hours to myself without anything or anyone needing my attention, it lands on me and I am consumed with grief and sobbing for hours. There's no getting away from it, really.


I have worried a lot about being a downer around my friends and community. I get that they want to be here for me, and it is a gift for them to do so. I have so much love in my life & I am so very grateful for that. Mom's death has helped me open my heart to unconditional love in ways I've never known and that's probably one of the greatest gifts she could ever give me. Before, I was very easy to shut down and push people that I loved away in the face of upset. It's as if her fiery death also burned down my walls of protection. I've tried to put them up and I can't find them anymore. There's no more hiding for me. I can't hide from myself, I can't hide from my community, I can't hide from spirit and I can't hide from my mom any more.

Love,
Amanda

When positive speaking limits your personal truth...

I'm really banging up against the wall of positive speaking. I totally get that our thoughts and words are powerful, and that they alone can create our experience. I totally understand the power of speaking positively about situations that are unpleasant, and I often am able to see the silver lining in the dark clouds. I understand the "fake it until you make it" mentality. Generating abundant, happy thoughts when one is down being a powerful way to turn your day around. Totally get it. However,I'm in a place where the "everything is great" mentality is not really honoring my experience.

My mom has suffered from severe depression since she was a child, and I can remember her being very ill since I was a child. It seems like this conversation started when I was around 11. Her not being at all well, and her requesting that we not tell anyone. She was really ashamed of her condition and didn't want anyone to know. This was way before the Internet and open talk of depression & anxiety hit mainstream. I didn't know what to do except protect my mama. So whenever anyone would ask me how mom was doing, no matter how bad it was, I would say, she's great, we're all wonderful. Protecting her in that way was teaching me to not honor my instincts,my truth,my pain and my fears. This led me into many, many years of not asking for help, trying to carry everyone on my back, not asking people to stand up for themselves, me trying to save everyone's day and leaving little time and energy for myself and my needs. Over the years I attracted many relationships with people who fell exactly into that equation. Oh how I have raged over these people! I've blamed them, I've hated them, I've lugged them around and called it love. I am so over it!

What that looks like for me now, particularly after my moms recent suicide is that I have to speak my truth. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me and the other person, I owe it to myself, and to them, to speak my truth and express how I feel. It lands how it lands. They get to have their experience. I am no longer available to shelter people from the truths of my life. I am not really helping anyone by doing so, especially me. Every time I keep something important about me and the situation I am in to myself, I stew inside over it, causing disharmony in all of my systems which ultimately leaves me very angry. I have no more space in my life to hold my truths and my reality in.

So how is this showing up for me right now? I feel like I'm in a battle of sorts with the whole saying you're good no matter what mentality. A friend asked me last week how I was doing and I said I'm having a challenging day. He says, no your not, your great, you want to always say you're great no matter what. I listened to what he had to say, understanding the background of it, yet experienced a serious uprising from within over it. Personally, I feel like acknowledging my day as challenging is extremely powerful. It says that this day is difficult for me and I am meeting the challenges head on, powerfully. I'm listening to my body, my soul and to spirit, and we're working it out. No, I am not feeling great, today. But I am Amanda and I am showing up powerfully in the face of all that is in front of me. Honoring myself truly, is acknowledging that, and not covering it up with the "I'm great" when I'm not word play. This incident was followed up with another the next day, where I spoke of my rib injuries and I said, it's going to take awhile to heal, and another friend corrected me with, "you're creating that, don't say that, you're making it worse!" It made me want to scream And shake him really hard. Rib injuries & structural alignment issues, TAKE TIME TO HEAL. That's just the way it is. Saying that I'm great when I'm in severe pain does not serve me! Dammit! I want to take a sledge hammer to this positively brick wall of everything is great. I have no interest in hiding behind a wall of positive words. I'm more interested in building a personal foundation of love,trust, acceptance & intuition in my relationship to myself, and thus, others.

Again, I understand the importance of thinking and speaking positively. Beyond that though, of most importance, is to honor one's process. To allow oneself to feel the range of emotions that are moving thru us as messengers. Brilliant jewels in one's self discovery and personal empowerment. The keys to our inner freedom are here in these uncomfortable places. I am in mourning. I want to experience it in a way that frees me from my past. That means speaking out when I'm in pain and asking for help. To have an expectation right now that everything is and should be great is like walking backwards for me. My heart hurts and my body hurts. That's where I am at. I am doing the work necessary to heal myself. I am committed to telling you exactly how I feel if you ask me. So if you do ask me how I'm doing, be ready for a smile, be ready for a tear. Mostly though, be ready to be present with me, in that moment we are sharing within our day.

Love,
Amanda

There is Nothing Like Backyard Fresh Fruit!

I SO love walking into our backyard and picking fresh fruit off of a tree! YAY California! There is nothing like picking sun ripened fruit and enjoying it on the spot. Even more special, is having friends over, picking the fruit, peeling and feeding it to them! =)

The squirrels, birds and mice have also enjoyed our Kumquat tree. We worked out an arrangement that they would only eat from the top half of the tree and I would only eat from what I am able to reach of the bottom half . (I made sure to let them know that I have go-go-gadget arms!)So far, everyone has fulfilled their part of the arrangement. =)

I hadn't heard of a kumquat until I moved to Oakland a few months ago. They symbolize good luck in China and other Asian countries where it is sometimes given as a gift during the lunar year.

They are so sweet and delicious! The tree has been producing for about 6 weeks and I have frozen several pounds for smoothies later in the year. =)

Where has Amanda disappeared to?

Ahh, there she is! Back out of another cycle of BIG transformation! I've been in a time warp of sorts since I last wrote in Jan. I met and fell in love with someone just after Christmas and we decided to move in together after only a couple weeks of dating. Wow! I was suddenly consumed with house hunting. Then packing, moving, unpacking, organizing,computer breakdown and to top it off a job change. In the midst of all that, I lost touch with my all raw reality, was mesmerized by coffee once more, and fell completely out of my exercise routine. I did maintain my veganism, tho I have definitely been tempted many times. Anyone want to guess how I'm feeling these days? Tired, groggy and cranky are at the top of the list. I'm faced with starting all over again. That phrase really annoys me, as I've started over so many times in my life. I'm going to change that to 'picking up where I left off'. I have a strong tendency to be hard on myself when these types of cycles appear, and I haven't wanted to write because of it. That doesn't help me or you though, and I am committed to sharing my process with you whether I'm feeling successful or not. I am continually reminded that we are all having the same life experience. In my sharing with you, you are able to see that you aren't alone in what you are going thru. I really want us all to love and support ourselves with the love and support of our community.

The romance between Mr. Coffee and I was short-lived, and after about 3 weeks of it, I was back to being bitchy. Took me another 3 wks to really push it out. I've been back on black tea for about two months now. SO happy about that.

I keep coming up with excuses about going all raw again, even though I know that's what I need right now. So instead of being a drill sergeant with myself, I'm adding raw foods in where I can, drinking wheatgrass again, as well as some other supplements; blue green algea & rainbow smoothie mix. Summer is a great time to be primarily raw, so i'm using that as extra motivation.

Talk to you soon!
Love,
Amanda