Unexpected Storms

A few days ago one of my friends asked me how I was doing. Great! I responded. A lil while after that I thought wow, I do feel great, I haven't been sad or upset about mom in awhile; I must really be getting over it. Not two hours after that, she was suddenly in my mind so intensely that I had a huge breakdown, and two days later I’m still not able to shake it.

I dreamt of her last night. There was a huge, weird, electrical type storm happening and all of my family was over at my grandma's. Mom was there too. She was distant, irritated, on drugs and I realized I had sort of traveled back into time. I wanted so badly to get to her and tell her, “Hey! You are going to commit suicide in a year and we are all going to be devastated. Please don't do it! We love you!” I wasn't able to get to her to say it. I’ve had a lot of dreams like this, seeing her and trying desperately to get to her and tell her how much we love her and to please not do it.

I feel like I’m back to where I left off a month ago, before I was suddenly packing, moving and unpacking. It feels like it’s just been sitting on the shelf, waiting for me to slow down again so it could reappear. Even the pain I feel in my ribs and body seems like it has been on hold and is suddenly here again.

Back in January I took a month off of work so I could grieve and heal. I allowed myself to totally be in that space. I wouldn’t even make social plans. I had one week left of my time off and knew that I was in no shape to go back to work. My energy was low, I felt depressed, and I was definitely not ready to talk to a thousand customers a week. I prayed a lot, looked deep within and decided to quit my job and move in with my girlfriend. Suddenly I had tremendous energy & joy. In 9 days I had packed and moved. Everything fell into place with amazing accuracy and I totally felt like a super hero. Since then I’ve been busy unpacking, getting settled and creating a beautiful office space in our home to work on my jewelry and other healing projects.

I feel disappointed that all this grief is back after having such a month of excitement and joy. I am glad that I listened to my instincts and didn’t return to Café Gratitude. I really miss my community, but I know I’m doing what I need to take care of myself.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone at Café Gratitude, my family & friends for their support. They helped me raise $1800 so that I could take the month off without worry of my bills. Their help allowed me to have the time and space to further see what I needed. I am so grateful! I love ya’ll!!!

How Do You View Your Body?

Whose view of what’s beautiful and sexy are you listening to? Whose body do you compare yours to? How often do you criticize your self and the way you look?

I worked in sales at a high end fitness club a few years ago. A big part of my job was giving tours to prospective members around the gym. Each day I made many laps throughout the gym and the ladies dressing room. I also had an office with a glass wall that faced about 30 machines. What I saw was shocking. Beautiful women with perfect bodies who still hated the way they looked. I watched the way they looked at themselves in the mirror, the way they moved around the club and interacted with others. I watched them compare themselves to other women and walk away distressed. It really hit me. Nobody is happy with the way they look. Even when the body is in perfect condition, there is still a constant drive to lose just one more inch, one more pound. WHY?!

We don’t see ourselves as we truly are.


I have also suffered from this. Thinking I was fat, gaining 20 pounds and then later realizing, wow, I actually was thin back then. I was too focused on a future image to enjoy who I was in the present. I had my happiness & satisfaction based out in the future, so even when I was great in shape my futuristic thinking kept driving me to do more, because this wasn’t enough.


When we constantly say things like, “I’ll be happy when I lose 15 pounds”, “I’ll be happy when I get those nice boots”, “I’ll be happy when I get my degree/job/house/mate, etc.”, we create that happiness is out there, and not here, right now. Happiness can only be experienced in the present moment. If we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others and putting the achievement of happiness in the future, we’ll never get there. Even when we do achieve it, we’re not able to fully enjoy it because we’ve been conditioned to think that it’s still out there in the future. You’ll always think that you have to accomplish more to have it. How many times have you gotten something that you wanted and after the excitement wore off found that you still weren’t happy?

I noticed that when I quit calling myself fat, I lost weight without any other change being made. If you keep thinking that you are fat, you’ll keep living into being fat. Whether that means overeating, not exercising, not being able to drop pounds or simply not seeing yourself as you truly are.

Listen to your inner tapes. Are you mean to yourself about your body? Would you be as mean to your friends and family as you are to yourself? One of my good friends once said to me, “Don’t be mean to Amanda. She’s my friend.” Boy, did she really get my attention!

Just think about the phrase “I am fat”. Really? All you are is fat? Aren’t you also bones, muscles, ligaments and tendons? With a brain, mind, organs, heart and capability for tremendous love & compassion? Try on saying, “I am healthy. With every day I become more fit and beautiful.” I promise you, it will make a difference.

Gems from the Goddess

I absolutely love sharing my creations with the world. I have sold my jewelry in many different settings and each time I have witnessed someone fall in love with one of my pieces and walk away saddened by not having the funds to buy. I have always had the impulse to give, but have not known exactly how to whilst remaining in integrity with my business goals. Gems from the Goddess is a program I have created to do just that. I will post a necklace each month that I will give away, completely free of charge.

I have chosen a beautiful Amethyst necklace for the month of February. For more information about this program and this months offering, go to www.dragonflycrystals.com

Love,

Amanda

Finding Love in Unexpected Places

I met Meg when I started working at Café Gratitude a year and half ago. She totally annoyed me. I shut down and closed off to her during every single interaction. She hadn’t done anything bad or wrong to me and when I thought about why I was feeling this way I discovered that she reminded me of my mom. Every time I saw her or heard her voice it was like fingernails on the chalk board. I was instantly triggered and all of my buttons were pushed. I couldn’t get past it. I decided that if she ever asked me why I was so closed off to her, I’d open up and tell her what I was experiencing.

Last week she came to a woman’s circle I am part of. I hosted the gathering that night and when I heard she was coming, my first reaction was oh no! How can I be shut down in a sacred space of trust and sharing?! I quickly realized I’d best get over it real fast. This wasn’t the time or place for my attitude. I was a little nervous when she walked thru the door and tried to avoid her by being completely hypnotized in the conversation I was in. Then we were face to face. Her face was lit up with love and I could see how joyful she was over being here. I hugged her and my heart melted. My walls came crashing down, and I realized, oh my God, she is this beautiful source of light and I’ve been unable to see past my discomfort to actually see her. I welcomed her into my home, and all night I held her presence with love. I wanted to share my breakthrough with her & the group but it didn’t seem appropriate at the time. After everyone left I shared with my partner how blown away I was by the turn of my emotional disposition towards her. It felt so good to have my heart open.

A couple of days ago, I was feeling incredibly sad over my mom. I really miss her and I felt alone and abandoned by her. I was lying on the chiropractor table, face down, receiving a massage and I heard a voice say, “Hey Amanda.” It is unusual for me that I can’t place a voice. “Who is that?” I asked. “It‘s Meg. I’m working here now. I was thinking of you yesterday,” she said. I was floored. A version of mom is here. Someone whom I’ve withheld love from, simply because she triggered painful wounds & memories inside of me. She’s here and she’s being nice to me. I started crying.

A few minutes later Meg was back and massaging me. She told me she wants to offer me free healing sessions to help me through my emotional process and asked if I would be a case study for her. She said she wrote my name down on a piece of paper the day before and thought, how am I going to approach Amanda with this?

I was overcome with grief and awareness that a woman I once pushed away because she reminded me of mom, was here now, on a day where I was missing my mother so much, cradling me, offering healing and looking at me with such unconditional love. I opened up to Meg and told her about how I’ve felt towards her all this time and why, shared my heart opening from last week’s women’s circle, and my deep gratitude for her being here for me now. It felt so good to apologize and take responsibility for who I’ve been towards her. She listened with love and acceptance and told me that she had never taken it personally. I felt so relieved. Most of all, I felt incredibly blessed to have an opportunity to connect and heal with someone who reminds me so much of mom.

Love,
Amanda

11:11

Most of my life I’ve looked at the clock when it was 11:11. Mom told me about a year ago that was her & dad’s time when they were together. They would often look at the clock at that exact moment and say 11:11! Since mom’s passing, I’ve started thinking of her when seeing it. Today date is 1/11/11 and I am reminded of a recent 11:11 moment that blew me away.

It was mid November and I was feeling really bummed out over her death. I walked to the coffee shop for a lift of sorts and on my way back, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. I thought of mom and was immediately pulled into a conversation a man and his 5 year old daughter were having as they were getting out of their car. It went like this…

“She committed suicide?” the little girl asked. (her question also felt like a question of 'What is suicide?')
“Yes”, he responds.
“How?”
“She was in a crazy rage and just couldn’t take it anymore” he said.
“How did she do it?” She asked.
“We’ll never really know what happened honey” he replied.

I spun my head around in shock. REALLY?! This is what your talking about the EXACT moment I walk by and look at my clock and see 11:11 and think of Mom?!?! Our eyes locked and he looked at me with the most loving, comforting, angelic face I’ve ever seen. It was as if he & spirit were talking to me directly the entire time. I was disappointed that my trip to lift my spirits with caffeine provided no escape. I walked away, in disbelief that this had happened, knowing he spoke the truth. We’ll never know exactly what happened those last days of her life. What we do know is that she is now at peace.

Request for Financial Support

Dear friends and family,

For those of you who don't know, I lost my mother to suicide on Aug. 11, 2010. It was totally unexpected and rather shocking. I've dug deep and worked very hard to show up powerfully and positively while continuing to serve hundreds of Oakland Cafe Gratitude patrons each day since this happened. It's been the most challenging experience I've ever been through and I am at my breaking point. For months I made up that I couldn't afford to take time off from work, as every check is already spoken for. My financial situation hasn't changed, but my overall disposition has. I cannot keep shutting out the pain and ignoring my healing needs. I am exhausted. I am in a lot of emotional and physical pain and I require some time to myself to grieve and heal. It's clear to me that taking a leave of absence from work is what I must do to take care of myself right now. I need to raise about $1800 to pay my rent and bills during the month that I will be away. I am requesting your support on this leg of my journey. I deeply appreciate anything that you can offer to help me during this time of great need. My leave of absence will be from Jan. 15 thru Feb. 15th.
If you are not in a position to offer money, but perhaps have extra food to share, or massaging hands to love up my body with, that would also be greatly appreciated.

I want to thank each of you for being in my life and loving me the way you do. I love you all very much, and thank you for your continued support.

Love,
Amanda

Surviving Suicide

I've wanted to write about this since she died...When I'm upset I haven't felt like reaching out and when I'm not upset I don't wanna think about it too much. I know that it is important that I share & I truly want to. There are many versions of Me out there in the world. I want to support those Me's, including the Me that's here talking to you. This part of my blog is dedicated to losing my mom to suicide & the mourning process I am experiencing. I invite you to reach out to me and ask me how I'm doing & what I'm up to help myself heal from this great loss.

I've experienced so many ups and downs around her death. My mind and body are hard at work grieving and much of that is happening behind the scenes of my conscious mind...

* I find myself sighing often. Each time it happens it feels like release and a level of acceptance.
* 4-5 days a week I sleep 10-13 hours a night. This is really unusual for me as I use to sleep only 6 or 7 hours a night. I can see this is an important part of my healing process and I allow myself to sleep as long as possible.
* I feel myself go thru layers of realization. Last week it hit me as if it had just happened and I was blown away by the awareness that my mom really did commit suicide.
* I remember things I haven't thought of in years. Funny things mom used to say and do, as well as happenings between us that weren't at all funny.
* I am totally indecisive around food. I don't know what I want to eat & I rarely feel like cooking, which is something that I love. I've eaten out more in the past 4 months than I have in 4 years.
* I often want to isolate, even though I really don't want to be alone.
* I suddenly have a lot of fear & anxiety. I feel worried that I will be attacked or suffer some other sort of great loss. Hearing my phone ring often stresses me out-I am afraid that I'll get another call of someone's else's death.

I joined a 10 wk support group for suicide survivor's a few weeks ago. I was surprised to find out that I've been thru a catastrophic event. No wonder I feel so traumatized and hypersensitive. Whew! What a relief that there is nothing wrong with me, this is just the process of this type of sudden trauma. I can let go of judgment that I should be doing more, or I should be over it by now. I hear that this takes years to get over, and that it gets easier over time. The thought of going thru this for years to come is not at all appealing to me.

It's difficult to be in so much pain while continuing to work & play full time. When I'm in a good mood, I want to stay there. When I have to work, I certainly don't want to think of it. On the days where I've had breakdowns before & during my shifts, I felt absolutely raw, vulnerable and stretched super thin, equaling loong days of customer service. When I feel like that I just want to teleport directly into my apartment rather than be in the public eye. So, on busy days where I need to show up powerfully, I rally myself and push it over to the side. When I do that I can feel her & the energy of this all about 15 feet to my right, hanging in the air and waiting for a space to land. As soon as I have a few hours to myself without anything or anyone needing my attention, it lands on me and I am consumed with grief and sobbing for hours. There's no getting away from it, really.


I have worried a lot about being a downer around my friends and community. I get that they want to be here for me, and it is a gift for them to do so. I have so much love in my life & I am so very grateful for that. Mom's death has helped me open my heart to unconditional love in ways I've never known and that's probably one of the greatest gifts she could ever give me. Before, I was very easy to shut down and push people that I loved away in the face of upset. It's as if her fiery death also burned down my walls of protection. I've tried to put them up and I can't find them anymore. There's no more hiding for me. I can't hide from myself, I can't hide from my community, I can't hide from spirit and I can't hide from my mom any more.

Love,
Amanda