Learning within a group is always such an amazing experience. In that setting you see that “your” problems are quite common and experienced by everyone, no matter who they are. This type of opportunity allows you to be so much more loving with yourself. You see that nothing about you is wrong, bad or broken. Simply misunderstood.
I think my biggest challenge comes in the form of expectations. These are the types of expectations I experience in my intimate relationships.
An expectation that…
- They are who they say they are
- They are going to do what they say they are going to do
- They mean what they say
- They will change and become the person I want them to be
- They will help me
- They will make me happy
The perfect recipe for disappointment! Throw in a side of attachment of the expectations coming true and POW! Off to another painful reality I go.
My expectations end up creating a fictitious character, leaving me disappointed because they aren’t the person that I made up. I often don’t even bother to tell them the character I want them to be, I just expect them to know and want to turn into the person I created in my mind.
It gets even better though. As soon as they don’t meet my expectations, my ego jumps in and tries to make it mean all sorts of things like I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I’m not attractive, I’m unworthy and undesirable, he’s an asshole, she’s a bitch, etc. etc. damn. etc. Our egos will never expose the fictitious characters that run around in our minds, for the ego is the ring leader of that three ring circus of made up bullshit!
AND to make things even more fun, they have their own set of expectations about me! So you end up with 3 relationships going on. The one in their mind, the one in my mind, and the one that is actually happening in present time, which neither of us are bothering to pay that much attention to. It’s rather maddening, what we do to ourselves, in our quest for finding “the one”. It’s no surprise that divorce rate is so incredibly high. Had I married all of my serious boyfriends, I’d have about 4 divorces under my belt by now. Yikes!
What’s the solution? Pay attention. Be present. Notice when the mind takes off. Face your fears. Dispel the illusion. It takes time to adjust to a different way of being. Our minds have been making up stories about every single thing since we were children, so it is important to be gentle with ourselves in the process. Always remember, you are not alone. You are loved.
