Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Finding Love in Unexpected Places


I met Meg when I started working at CafĂ© Gratitude a year and half ago. She totally annoyed me. I shut down and closed off to her during every single interaction. She hadn’t done anything bad or wrong to me and when I thought about why I was feeling this way I discovered that she reminded me of my mom. Every time I saw her or heard her voice it was like fingernails on the chalk board. I was instantly triggered and all of my buttons were pushed. I couldn’t get past it. I decided that if she ever asked me why I was so closed off to her, I’d open up and tell her what I was experiencing.

Last week she came to a woman’s circle I am part of. I hosted the gathering that night and when I heard she was coming, my first reaction was oh no! How can I be shut down in a sacred space of trust and sharing?! I quickly realized I’d best get over it real fast. This wasn’t the time or place for my attitude. I was a little nervous when she walked thru the door and tried to avoid her by being completely hypnotized in the conversation I was in. Then we were face to face. Her face was lit up with love and I could see how joyful she was over being here. I hugged her and my heart melted. My walls came crashing down, and I realized, oh my God, she is this beautiful source of light and I’ve been unable to see past my discomfort to actually see her. I welcomed her into my home, and all night I held her presence with love. I wanted to share my breakthrough with her & the group but it didn’t seem appropriate at the time. After everyone left I shared with my partner how blown away I was by the turn of my emotional disposition towards her. It felt so good to have my heart open.

A couple of days ago, I was feeling incredibly sad over my mom. I really miss her and I felt alone and abandoned by her. I was lying on the chiropractor table, face down, receiving a massage and I heard a voice say, “Hey Amanda.” It is unusual for me that I can’t place a voice. “Who is that?” I asked. “It‘s Meg. I’m working here now. I was thinking of you yesterday,” she said. I was floored. A version of mom is here. Someone whom I’ve withheld love from, simply because she triggered painful wounds & memories inside of me. She’s here and she’s being nice to me. I started crying.

A few minutes later Meg was back and massaging me. She told me she wants to offer me free healing sessions to help me through my emotional process and asked if I would be a case study for her. She said she wrote my name down on a piece of paper the day before and thought, how am I going to approach Amanda with this?

I was overcome with grief and awareness that a woman I once pushed away because she reminded me of mom, was here now, on a day where I was missing my mother so much, cradling me, offering healing and looking at me with such unconditional love. I opened up to Meg and told her about how I’ve felt towards her all this time and why, shared my heart opening from last week’s women’s circle, and my deep gratitude for her being here for me now. It felt so good to apologize and take responsibility for who I’ve been towards her. She listened with love and acceptance and told me that she had never taken it personally. I felt so relieved. Most of all, I felt incredibly blessed to have an opportunity to connect and heal with someone who reminds me so much of mom.

Love,
Amanda

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

11:11



Most of my life I’ve looked at the clock when it was 11:11. Mom told me about a year ago that was her & dad’s time when they were together. They would often look at the clock at that exact moment and say 11:11! Since mom’s passing, I’ve started thinking of her when seeing it. Today date is 1/11/11 and I am reminded of a recent 11:11 moment that blew me away.

It was mid November and I was feeling really bummed out over her death. I walked to the coffee shop for a lift of sorts and on my way back, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. I thought of mom and was immediately pulled into a conversation a man and his 5 year old daughter were having as they were getting out of their car. It went like this…

“She committed suicide?” the little girl asked. (her question also felt like a question of 'What is suicide?')
“Yes”, he responds.
“How?”
“She was in a crazy rage and just couldn’t take it anymore” he said.
“How did she do it?” She asked.
“We’ll never really know what happened honey” he replied.

I spun my head around in shock. REALLY?! This is what your talking about the EXACT moment I walk by and look at my clock and see 11:11 and think of Mom?!?! Our eyes locked and he looked at me with the most loving, comforting, angelic face I’ve ever seen. It was as if he & spirit were talking to me directly the entire time. I was disappointed that my trip to lift my spirits with caffeine provided no escape. I walked away, in disbelief that this had happened, knowing he spoke the truth. We’ll never know exactly what happened those last days of her life. What we do know is that she is now at peace.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Request for Financial Support


Dear friends and family,

For those of you who don't know, I lost my mother to suicide on Aug. 11, 2010. It was totally unexpected and rather shocking. I've dug deep and worked very hard to show up powerfully and positively while continuing to serve hundreds of Oakland Cafe Gratitude patrons each day since this happened. It's been the most challenging experience I've ever been through and I am at my breaking point. For months I made up that I couldn't afford to take time off from work, as every check is already spoken for. My financial situation hasn't changed, but my overall disposition has. I cannot keep shutting out the pain and ignoring my healing needs. I am exhausted. I am in a lot of emotional and physical pain and I require some time to myself to grieve and heal. It's clear to me that taking a leave of absence from work is what I must do to take care of myself right now. I need to raise about $1800 to pay my rent and bills during the month that I will be away. I am requesting your support on this leg of my journey. I deeply appreciate anything that you can offer to help me during this time of great need. My leave of absence will be from Jan. 15 thru Feb. 15th.
If you are not in a position to offer money, but perhaps have extra food to share, or massaging hands to love up my body with, that would also be greatly appreciated.

I want to thank each of you for being in my life and loving me the way you do. I love you all very much, and thank you for your continued support.

Love,
Amanda