I met Meg when I started working at Café Gratitude a year and half ago. She totally annoyed me. I shut down and closed off to her during every single interaction. She hadn’t done anything bad or wrong to me and when I thought about why I was feeling this way I discovered that she reminded me of my mom. Every time I saw her or heard her voice it was like fingernails on the chalk board. I was instantly triggered and all of my buttons were pushed. I couldn’t get past it. I decided that if she ever asked me why I was so closed off to her, I’d open up and tell her what I was experiencing.
Last week she came to a woman’s circle I am part of. I hosted the gathering that night and when I heard she was coming, my first reaction was oh no! How can I be shut down in a sacred space of trust and sharing?! I quickly realized I’d best get over it real fast. This wasn’t the time or place for my attitude. I was a little nervous when she walked thru the door and tried to avoid her by being completely hypnotized in the conversation I was in. Then we were face to face. Her face was lit up with love and I could see how joyful she was over being here. I hugged her and my heart melted. My walls came crashing down, and I realized, oh my God, she is this beautiful source of light and I’ve been unable to see past my discomfort to actually see her. I welcomed her into my home, and all night I held her presence with love. I wanted to share my breakthrough with her & the group but it didn’t seem appropriate at the time. After everyone left I shared with my partner how blown away I was by the turn of my emotional disposition towards her. It felt so good to have my heart open.
A couple of days ago, I was feeling incredibly sad over my mom. I really miss her and I felt alone and abandoned by her. I was lying on the chiropractor table, face down, receiving a massage and I heard a voice say, “Hey Amanda.” It is unusual for me that I can’t place a voice. “Who is that?” I asked. “It‘s Meg. I’m working here now. I was thinking of you yesterday,” she said. I was floored. A version of mom is here. Someone whom I’ve withheld love from, simply because she triggered painful wounds & memories inside of me. She’s here and she’s being nice to me. I started crying.
A few minutes later Meg was back and massaging me. She told me she wants to offer me free healing sessions to help me through my emotional process and asked if I would be a case study for her. She said she wrote my name down on a piece of paper the day before and thought, how am I going to approach Amanda with this?
I was overcome with grief and awareness that a woman I once pushed away because she reminded me of mom, was here now, on a day where I was missing my mother so much, cradling me, offering healing and looking at me with such unconditional love. I opened up to Meg and told her about how I’ve felt towards her all this time and why, shared my heart opening from last week’s women’s circle, and my deep gratitude for her being here for me now. It felt so good to apologize and take responsibility for who I’ve been towards her. She listened with love and acceptance and told me that she had never taken it personally. I felt so relieved. Most of all, I felt incredibly blessed to have an opportunity to connect and heal with someone who reminds me so much of mom.
Love,
Amanda
No comments:
Post a Comment