Surviving Suicide

I've wanted to write about this since she died...When I'm upset I haven't felt like reaching out and when I'm not upset I don't wanna think about it too much. I know that it is important that I share & I truly want to. There are many versions of Me out there in the world. I want to support those Me's, including the Me that's here talking to you. This part of my blog is dedicated to losing my mom to suicide & the mourning process I am experiencing. I invite you to reach out to me and ask me how I'm doing & what I'm up to help myself heal from this great loss.

I've experienced so many ups and downs around her death. My mind and body are hard at work grieving and much of that is happening behind the scenes of my conscious mind...

* I find myself sighing often. Each time it happens it feels like release and a level of acceptance.
* 4-5 days a week I sleep 10-13 hours a night. This is really unusual for me as I use to sleep only 6 or 7 hours a night. I can see this is an important part of my healing process and I allow myself to sleep as long as possible.
* I feel myself go thru layers of realization. Last week it hit me as if it had just happened and I was blown away by the awareness that my mom really did commit suicide.
* I remember things I haven't thought of in years. Funny things mom used to say and do, as well as happenings between us that weren't at all funny.
* I am totally indecisive around food. I don't know what I want to eat & I rarely feel like cooking, which is something that I love. I've eaten out more in the past 4 months than I have in 4 years.
* I often want to isolate, even though I really don't want to be alone.
* I suddenly have a lot of fear & anxiety. I feel worried that I will be attacked or suffer some other sort of great loss. Hearing my phone ring often stresses me out-I am afraid that I'll get another call of someone's else's death.

I joined a 10 wk support group for suicide survivor's a few weeks ago. I was surprised to find out that I've been thru a catastrophic event. No wonder I feel so traumatized and hypersensitive. Whew! What a relief that there is nothing wrong with me, this is just the process of this type of sudden trauma. I can let go of judgment that I should be doing more, or I should be over it by now. I hear that this takes years to get over, and that it gets easier over time. The thought of going thru this for years to come is not at all appealing to me.

It's difficult to be in so much pain while continuing to work & play full time. When I'm in a good mood, I want to stay there. When I have to work, I certainly don't want to think of it. On the days where I've had breakdowns before & during my shifts, I felt absolutely raw, vulnerable and stretched super thin, equaling loong days of customer service. When I feel like that I just want to teleport directly into my apartment rather than be in the public eye. So, on busy days where I need to show up powerfully, I rally myself and push it over to the side. When I do that I can feel her & the energy of this all about 15 feet to my right, hanging in the air and waiting for a space to land. As soon as I have a few hours to myself without anything or anyone needing my attention, it lands on me and I am consumed with grief and sobbing for hours. There's no getting away from it, really.


I have worried a lot about being a downer around my friends and community. I get that they want to be here for me, and it is a gift for them to do so. I have so much love in my life & I am so very grateful for that. Mom's death has helped me open my heart to unconditional love in ways I've never known and that's probably one of the greatest gifts she could ever give me. Before, I was very easy to shut down and push people that I loved away in the face of upset. It's as if her fiery death also burned down my walls of protection. I've tried to put them up and I can't find them anymore. There's no more hiding for me. I can't hide from myself, I can't hide from my community, I can't hide from spirit and I can't hide from my mom any more.

Love,
Amanda

When positive speaking limits your personal truth...

I'm really banging up against the wall of positive speaking. I totally get that our thoughts and words are powerful, and that they alone can create our experience. I totally understand the power of speaking positively about situations that are unpleasant, and I often am able to see the silver lining in the dark clouds. I understand the "fake it until you make it" mentality. Generating abundant, happy thoughts when one is down being a powerful way to turn your day around. Totally get it. However,I'm in a place where the "everything is great" mentality is not really honoring my experience.

My mom has suffered from severe depression since she was a child, and I can remember her being very ill since I was a child. It seems like this conversation started when I was around 11. Her not being at all well, and her requesting that we not tell anyone. She was really ashamed of her condition and didn't want anyone to know. This was way before the Internet and open talk of depression & anxiety hit mainstream. I didn't know what to do except protect my mama. So whenever anyone would ask me how mom was doing, no matter how bad it was, I would say, she's great, we're all wonderful. Protecting her in that way was teaching me to not honor my instincts,my truth,my pain and my fears. This led me into many, many years of not asking for help, trying to carry everyone on my back, not asking people to stand up for themselves, me trying to save everyone's day and leaving little time and energy for myself and my needs. Over the years I attracted many relationships with people who fell exactly into that equation. Oh how I have raged over these people! I've blamed them, I've hated them, I've lugged them around and called it love. I am so over it!

What that looks like for me now, particularly after my moms recent suicide is that I have to speak my truth. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me and the other person, I owe it to myself, and to them, to speak my truth and express how I feel. It lands how it lands. They get to have their experience. I am no longer available to shelter people from the truths of my life. I am not really helping anyone by doing so, especially me. Every time I keep something important about me and the situation I am in to myself, I stew inside over it, causing disharmony in all of my systems which ultimately leaves me very angry. I have no more space in my life to hold my truths and my reality in.

So how is this showing up for me right now? I feel like I'm in a battle of sorts with the whole saying you're good no matter what mentality. A friend asked me last week how I was doing and I said I'm having a challenging day. He says, no your not, your great, you want to always say you're great no matter what. I listened to what he had to say, understanding the background of it, yet experienced a serious uprising from within over it. Personally, I feel like acknowledging my day as challenging is extremely powerful. It says that this day is difficult for me and I am meeting the challenges head on, powerfully. I'm listening to my body, my soul and to spirit, and we're working it out. No, I am not feeling great, today. But I am Amanda and I am showing up powerfully in the face of all that is in front of me. Honoring myself truly, is acknowledging that, and not covering it up with the "I'm great" when I'm not word play. This incident was followed up with another the next day, where I spoke of my rib injuries and I said, it's going to take awhile to heal, and another friend corrected me with, "you're creating that, don't say that, you're making it worse!" It made me want to scream And shake him really hard. Rib injuries & structural alignment issues, TAKE TIME TO HEAL. That's just the way it is. Saying that I'm great when I'm in severe pain does not serve me! Dammit! I want to take a sledge hammer to this positively brick wall of everything is great. I have no interest in hiding behind a wall of positive words. I'm more interested in building a personal foundation of love,trust, acceptance & intuition in my relationship to myself, and thus, others.

Again, I understand the importance of thinking and speaking positively. Beyond that though, of most importance, is to honor one's process. To allow oneself to feel the range of emotions that are moving thru us as messengers. Brilliant jewels in one's self discovery and personal empowerment. The keys to our inner freedom are here in these uncomfortable places. I am in mourning. I want to experience it in a way that frees me from my past. That means speaking out when I'm in pain and asking for help. To have an expectation right now that everything is and should be great is like walking backwards for me. My heart hurts and my body hurts. That's where I am at. I am doing the work necessary to heal myself. I am committed to telling you exactly how I feel if you ask me. So if you do ask me how I'm doing, be ready for a smile, be ready for a tear. Mostly though, be ready to be present with me, in that moment we are sharing within our day.

Love,
Amanda

There is Nothing Like Backyard Fresh Fruit!

I SO love walking into our backyard and picking fresh fruit off of a tree! YAY California! There is nothing like picking sun ripened fruit and enjoying it on the spot. Even more special, is having friends over, picking the fruit, peeling and feeding it to them! =)

The squirrels, birds and mice have also enjoyed our Kumquat tree. We worked out an arrangement that they would only eat from the top half of the tree and I would only eat from what I am able to reach of the bottom half . (I made sure to let them know that I have go-go-gadget arms!)So far, everyone has fulfilled their part of the arrangement. =)

I hadn't heard of a kumquat until I moved to Oakland a few months ago. They symbolize good luck in China and other Asian countries where it is sometimes given as a gift during the lunar year.

They are so sweet and delicious! The tree has been producing for about 6 weeks and I have frozen several pounds for smoothies later in the year. =)

Where has Amanda disappeared to?

Ahh, there she is! Back out of another cycle of BIG transformation! I've been in a time warp of sorts since I last wrote in Jan. I met and fell in love with someone just after Christmas and we decided to move in together after only a couple weeks of dating. Wow! I was suddenly consumed with house hunting. Then packing, moving, unpacking, organizing,computer breakdown and to top it off a job change. In the midst of all that, I lost touch with my all raw reality, was mesmerized by coffee once more, and fell completely out of my exercise routine. I did maintain my veganism, tho I have definitely been tempted many times. Anyone want to guess how I'm feeling these days? Tired, groggy and cranky are at the top of the list. I'm faced with starting all over again. That phrase really annoys me, as I've started over so many times in my life. I'm going to change that to 'picking up where I left off'. I have a strong tendency to be hard on myself when these types of cycles appear, and I haven't wanted to write because of it. That doesn't help me or you though, and I am committed to sharing my process with you whether I'm feeling successful or not. I am continually reminded that we are all having the same life experience. In my sharing with you, you are able to see that you aren't alone in what you are going thru. I really want us all to love and support ourselves with the love and support of our community.

The romance between Mr. Coffee and I was short-lived, and after about 3 weeks of it, I was back to being bitchy. Took me another 3 wks to really push it out. I've been back on black tea for about two months now. SO happy about that.

I keep coming up with excuses about going all raw again, even though I know that's what I need right now. So instead of being a drill sergeant with myself, I'm adding raw foods in where I can, drinking wheatgrass again, as well as some other supplements; blue green algea & rainbow smoothie mix. Summer is a great time to be primarily raw, so i'm using that as extra motivation.

Talk to you soon!
Love,
Amanda

Vibing High into the New Year

I made it through the holidays Raw without any upset. I attended 4 parties and made homemade raw flax crackers with a nut cheese dip to share. Everyone loved my raw yummies and bypassed a table full of regular food for mine. I also ate before I went so that I wouldn't be tempted by hunger. Initially when I saw foods that I used to eat & love I thought Oh! I'm breaking my raw streak tonight! I must try that! I just rode through that feeling though, knowing deep down that I really didn't want it.

Thoughts of a cooked vegan dish were starting to pop up in my mind and I decided that once I started getting to that point of feeling deprived, I would feed that craving and see what I felt like. After being Raw for almost two months, its a breeze to remain vegan which is my ultimate long standing goal. So, on day 51 I decided I wanted to go and eat at my company's new Organic Vegan Mexican restaurant. It was a clear decision: I wanted to experience our new offering. It tasted great, however I didn't feel like, Oh hell yeah, I'm back on cooked food! Bring it! I experience really wanting a rich green salad, with a full knowing that running 95-100% Raw is where my body wants to be right now. I honestly feel great. My energy is high, my eyes are brigh, my skin is clear, my digestion is flowing, my attitude has improved. I feel Sunny! =)

I haven't had coffee in 3 weeks and I REALLY notice a difference. The tense anxiety of jangled nerves and dehydration is gone. I used black tea initially, but the caffeine started jacking me up like the coffee, so I've switched to Herba Matte, an herbal tea blend that has a healthy kick.

Now when I look at cakes & sweets that are full of fat, sugar and white flour, I find that it looks like plastic to me. Could you imagine eating plastic? Would any of you go to a restaurant and ask for a bowl of toxic chemicals with a glass of poison to wash it all down with? Sounds disgusting and ridiculous right? That's our standard american diet folks. (SAD) I know it's not easy to change ones diet, as i have been all over the charts with it for 24 years now. At the end of the day though, its easier to nourish your body with quality food than it is to be a prisoner in a sick body that is rapidly wasting away. Just try adding more greens, fruit & water in your life, and see how you feel. You are the sum of all your small steps!

Love,
Amanda