Yesterday

Yesterday was my Mom’s birthday. I thought about her all day. I lit a candle for her on my alter, I told her Happy Birthday and I wished her peace, love, joy and all that she needs to continue healing her wounds of this life and before. I didn’t feel emotional about any of it and as I told one of my best friends over lunch, I haven’t really cried in several months. I have kept my distance from her. I know that’s a funny thing to say, considering she’s no longer in a body, and not limited to time or space.

The truth is, I’ve been keeping my distance from the sadness in my heart. Halloween tried to get my emotional doors open, as it is one of our favorite holidays. One day mid October, I was feeling really irritated and restless and something led me to a box in my closet that’s been taped shut for over a year. Suddenly, I was compelled to open it. I found a stack of cards in it and seconds later a Halloween Card from my mom, sent in 2007 came flying out of it. Wow! Just a few hours before at the post office, as I sent Halloween cards to my Sister, Grandmother and Aunt, I wished that I was also sending one to my mom. Imagine my surprise when shortly after I receive one from her! She didn’t stop there either, a birthday card from that same year also shot out of the stack. It was probably one of the sweetest, most heart felt cards she’s ever sent. I did miss this year’s birthday card from her and here it was, too.

I could feel her moving around me for days around Halloween. I was full of resistance, and couldn’t break thru it. In all honesty, I didn’t want to. After crying for a whole year, I feel very apprehensive about touching those painful spots.

I made it through my birthday, Halloween & her birthday without any tears, until today.

I heard the song "Yesterday", by the Beatles. The Beatles were her all-time favorite band. I always think of her when I hear them. I am blown away by the lyrics of this song and how it landed upon me today. I felt like Paul was singing directly to me, “Why she had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say…I said something wrong now I long for yesterday.”

I’ve cried all afternoon.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go
I don't know she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.

One Year Later

Wow. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a year since my mother died. In many ways I feel worse instead of better. The past few weeks I’ve had a lot of anger and sadness spewing out. So much in fact, it leaves me wondering when it is ever going to end.

It’s been really difficult, being in such a vulnerable space. A few days ago, I cried for hours and felt so weak and fragile around it. I’ve never been needy or frail, so then a battle arises within of what in the hell is wrong with me? I realized this morning, that it actually is a sign of true strength to be able to let go like that and really be with the sadness and give it the space to breath and move out of my body.

I have what is termed as complicated grief. Not only was her death sudden and traumatic, but it was the ending of a very troubled relationship. My mother suffered from depression and drug abuse for 20 years and I did my very best to try and help her. Now I’m assigned with the task of helping myself heal from all of this. I’ve got my work cut out for me.

This isn’t just about the day she decided to die. It’s about our life together, and all the anger and frustration and disappointment around that, that is stored in my body, and now flooding out. And It doesn’t stop with just that either. Her death has also cracked open the past for me in other ways. Patterns, beliefs and ways of being that I have around relationships, house chores, work ethic, sleeping, eating, smoking, reacting, defending, running away…the list just keeps on going. I had no idea I was such a hot mess. I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about my mom’s problems, I haven’t been able to really see my own.

I am also choosing to honor my anger. It’s important. And I want to share what I’m angry about.

I’m angry that people still try to say that she didn’t commit suicide, that it was an accident or murder.

I’m angry that the Shelby Daily Star, dug all of this up a few weeks ago, blasted it on the front page, and listed gruesome details of her death that we’ve never even heard. The reporter camped out at my grandparents all day, waiting to ask someone, “well, how do you and your family feel?” Really?! How the hell do you think we feel?!

I’m angry at the pharmaceutical companies for prescribing drugs that are known to cause suicide. Why would you give this to a depressed person?

I’m angry at my mom for peacing out like this. I hear, “well, she’s not suffering anymore, she’s in a better place.” Well good for her. I’ve never been in a worse place, and I have her to thank for it.

All these years, I’ve had my success’s, my joys, my accomplishments be overshadowed by what my mom was going thru. I’ve never felt like I had room to be completely expressed and seen. Her death and the timing of it has been the ultimate inconvenience. My new home, new relationship, job promotion- all of those hard earned joys, swept away in the fires of her passing. I am fortunate to still be in relationship with my beautiful girlfriend. Its hard for her to see me so sad, for so long.

All that being said, I love her, I miss her and I wish she was still here, saying funny things, being silly…It wasn’t all bad. Mom was and is a beautiful spirit. I see that her transformation is also my transformation. And tho this is the most painful thing I’ve ever been thru, this is ultimately the path to my inner peace and joy.

I love you Mama.

Nature is Listening...

Last week I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. Until today. I wailed for my mama as if I were a small child. It felt good to let go like that, despite that fact that I was in so much pain. Mourning is really kicking my ass.

About a month ago I was wrought with pain over her death and I cried out to the heavens, “How long is this going to last?!” Later that night I received an answer.

I was on the train heading home from babysitting my lil pal Henry. Two women sat down in front of me and captured my attention with their pretend crowns and wands. They’d been to some sort of fun, uplifting event. They immediately started talking about losing their mothers. One had just lost hers. The other says, “It takes about 2 years to get over it. I’m living proof that it does get easier.” I immediately knew I was meant to hear this, and that spirit was talking directly to me. They continued chatting, each word ringing true in my ears and heart. I found myself feeling so cared for by the unseen forces that are all around us.

When I get in these moods, its tough figuring out what I need to be doing with myself. I have a whole list of “shoulds” that turns into a big list of “I don’t wanna’s”. I feel so miserable, I don’t do the should’s much justice anyway, so I don’t.



Nature usually saves my day in one way or the other. Whether that’s in caring for our chickens, feeding them backyard sushi (I found some worms that were being invaded by ants, so I took the live, ant covered earth worms to them, which was one of the coolest “we have chickens in our backyard” moments ever!) or discovering new plant life & blooming flowers in our yard and neighborhood. Being outside with the sun, wind, fragrant blossoms and rich dirt at my fingertips returns joy and energy to me, and softens the pain a bit as I reconnect to the cycles of life.

These photos are of flowers in our yard, beckoning me to smile, laugh and give thanks for all the joy and wonder I am surrounded by.

I love my jewelry! I am always delighted to see what comes thru!

When I set out to make this Coral necklace, I knew it would be a cool piece. It just looked so interesting. Little did I know that upon finishing it would look so much like an alien! It’s all I can see when I look at it. Did I watch the Alien movie series one too many times? Is it just me, or does this coral necklace look like an alien? Or perhaps some other sort of strange creature? Either way, this guy strutted his stuff when I photoed him. He wants to be chosen by you to wear and dazzle all of your friends!

He is wrapped with sterling silver. He is 2 3/4 inch long by 1 3/8 inch wide. $65

Unexpected Storms

A few days ago one of my friends asked me how I was doing. Great! I responded. A lil while after that I thought wow, I do feel great, I haven't been sad or upset about mom in awhile; I must really be getting over it. Not two hours after that, she was suddenly in my mind so intensely that I had a huge breakdown, and two days later I’m still not able to shake it.

I dreamt of her last night. There was a huge, weird, electrical type storm happening and all of my family was over at my grandma's. Mom was there too. She was distant, irritated, on drugs and I realized I had sort of traveled back into time. I wanted so badly to get to her and tell her, “Hey! You are going to commit suicide in a year and we are all going to be devastated. Please don't do it! We love you!” I wasn't able to get to her to say it. I’ve had a lot of dreams like this, seeing her and trying desperately to get to her and tell her how much we love her and to please not do it.

I feel like I’m back to where I left off a month ago, before I was suddenly packing, moving and unpacking. It feels like it’s just been sitting on the shelf, waiting for me to slow down again so it could reappear. Even the pain I feel in my ribs and body seems like it has been on hold and is suddenly here again.

Back in January I took a month off of work so I could grieve and heal. I allowed myself to totally be in that space. I wouldn’t even make social plans. I had one week left of my time off and knew that I was in no shape to go back to work. My energy was low, I felt depressed, and I was definitely not ready to talk to a thousand customers a week. I prayed a lot, looked deep within and decided to quit my job and move in with my girlfriend. Suddenly I had tremendous energy & joy. In 9 days I had packed and moved. Everything fell into place with amazing accuracy and I totally felt like a super hero. Since then I’ve been busy unpacking, getting settled and creating a beautiful office space in our home to work on my jewelry and other healing projects.

I feel disappointed that all this grief is back after having such a month of excitement and joy. I am glad that I listened to my instincts and didn’t return to Café Gratitude. I really miss my community, but I know I’m doing what I need to take care of myself.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone at Café Gratitude, my family & friends for their support. They helped me raise $1800 so that I could take the month off without worry of my bills. Their help allowed me to have the time and space to further see what I needed. I am so grateful! I love ya’ll!!!

How Do You View Your Body?

Whose view of what’s beautiful and sexy are you listening to? Whose body do you compare yours to? How often do you criticize your self and the way you look?

I worked in sales at a high end fitness club a few years ago. A big part of my job was giving tours to prospective members around the gym. Each day I made many laps throughout the gym and the ladies dressing room. I also had an office with a glass wall that faced about 30 machines. What I saw was shocking. Beautiful women with perfect bodies who still hated the way they looked. I watched the way they looked at themselves in the mirror, the way they moved around the club and interacted with others. I watched them compare themselves to other women and walk away distressed. It really hit me. Nobody is happy with the way they look. Even when the body is in perfect condition, there is still a constant drive to lose just one more inch, one more pound. WHY?!

We don’t see ourselves as we truly are.


I have also suffered from this. Thinking I was fat, gaining 20 pounds and then later realizing, wow, I actually was thin back then. I was too focused on a future image to enjoy who I was in the present. I had my happiness & satisfaction based out in the future, so even when I was great in shape my futuristic thinking kept driving me to do more, because this wasn’t enough.


When we constantly say things like, “I’ll be happy when I lose 15 pounds”, “I’ll be happy when I get those nice boots”, “I’ll be happy when I get my degree/job/house/mate, etc.”, we create that happiness is out there, and not here, right now. Happiness can only be experienced in the present moment. If we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others and putting the achievement of happiness in the future, we’ll never get there. Even when we do achieve it, we’re not able to fully enjoy it because we’ve been conditioned to think that it’s still out there in the future. You’ll always think that you have to accomplish more to have it. How many times have you gotten something that you wanted and after the excitement wore off found that you still weren’t happy?

I noticed that when I quit calling myself fat, I lost weight without any other change being made. If you keep thinking that you are fat, you’ll keep living into being fat. Whether that means overeating, not exercising, not being able to drop pounds or simply not seeing yourself as you truly are.

Listen to your inner tapes. Are you mean to yourself about your body? Would you be as mean to your friends and family as you are to yourself? One of my good friends once said to me, “Don’t be mean to Amanda. She’s my friend.” Boy, did she really get my attention!

Just think about the phrase “I am fat”. Really? All you are is fat? Aren’t you also bones, muscles, ligaments and tendons? With a brain, mind, organs, heart and capability for tremendous love & compassion? Try on saying, “I am healthy. With every day I become more fit and beautiful.” I promise you, it will make a difference.

Gems from the Goddess

I absolutely love sharing my creations with the world. I have sold my jewelry in many different settings and each time I have witnessed someone fall in love with one of my pieces and walk away saddened by not having the funds to buy. I have always had the impulse to give, but have not known exactly how to whilst remaining in integrity with my business goals. Gems from the Goddess is a program I have created to do just that. I will post a necklace each month that I will give away, completely free of charge.

I have chosen a beautiful Amethyst necklace for the month of February. For more information about this program and this months offering, go to www.dragonflycrystals.com

Love,

Amanda

Finding Love in Unexpected Places

I met Meg when I started working at Café Gratitude a year and half ago. She totally annoyed me. I shut down and closed off to her during every single interaction. She hadn’t done anything bad or wrong to me and when I thought about why I was feeling this way I discovered that she reminded me of my mom. Every time I saw her or heard her voice it was like fingernails on the chalk board. I was instantly triggered and all of my buttons were pushed. I couldn’t get past it. I decided that if she ever asked me why I was so closed off to her, I’d open up and tell her what I was experiencing.

Last week she came to a woman’s circle I am part of. I hosted the gathering that night and when I heard she was coming, my first reaction was oh no! How can I be shut down in a sacred space of trust and sharing?! I quickly realized I’d best get over it real fast. This wasn’t the time or place for my attitude. I was a little nervous when she walked thru the door and tried to avoid her by being completely hypnotized in the conversation I was in. Then we were face to face. Her face was lit up with love and I could see how joyful she was over being here. I hugged her and my heart melted. My walls came crashing down, and I realized, oh my God, she is this beautiful source of light and I’ve been unable to see past my discomfort to actually see her. I welcomed her into my home, and all night I held her presence with love. I wanted to share my breakthrough with her & the group but it didn’t seem appropriate at the time. After everyone left I shared with my partner how blown away I was by the turn of my emotional disposition towards her. It felt so good to have my heart open.

A couple of days ago, I was feeling incredibly sad over my mom. I really miss her and I felt alone and abandoned by her. I was lying on the chiropractor table, face down, receiving a massage and I heard a voice say, “Hey Amanda.” It is unusual for me that I can’t place a voice. “Who is that?” I asked. “It‘s Meg. I’m working here now. I was thinking of you yesterday,” she said. I was floored. A version of mom is here. Someone whom I’ve withheld love from, simply because she triggered painful wounds & memories inside of me. She’s here and she’s being nice to me. I started crying.

A few minutes later Meg was back and massaging me. She told me she wants to offer me free healing sessions to help me through my emotional process and asked if I would be a case study for her. She said she wrote my name down on a piece of paper the day before and thought, how am I going to approach Amanda with this?

I was overcome with grief and awareness that a woman I once pushed away because she reminded me of mom, was here now, on a day where I was missing my mother so much, cradling me, offering healing and looking at me with such unconditional love. I opened up to Meg and told her about how I’ve felt towards her all this time and why, shared my heart opening from last week’s women’s circle, and my deep gratitude for her being here for me now. It felt so good to apologize and take responsibility for who I’ve been towards her. She listened with love and acceptance and told me that she had never taken it personally. I felt so relieved. Most of all, I felt incredibly blessed to have an opportunity to connect and heal with someone who reminds me so much of mom.

Love,
Amanda

11:11

Most of my life I’ve looked at the clock when it was 11:11. Mom told me about a year ago that was her & dad’s time when they were together. They would often look at the clock at that exact moment and say 11:11! Since mom’s passing, I’ve started thinking of her when seeing it. Today date is 1/11/11 and I am reminded of a recent 11:11 moment that blew me away.

It was mid November and I was feeling really bummed out over her death. I walked to the coffee shop for a lift of sorts and on my way back, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. I thought of mom and was immediately pulled into a conversation a man and his 5 year old daughter were having as they were getting out of their car. It went like this…

“She committed suicide?” the little girl asked. (her question also felt like a question of 'What is suicide?')
“Yes”, he responds.
“How?”
“She was in a crazy rage and just couldn’t take it anymore” he said.
“How did she do it?” She asked.
“We’ll never really know what happened honey” he replied.

I spun my head around in shock. REALLY?! This is what your talking about the EXACT moment I walk by and look at my clock and see 11:11 and think of Mom?!?! Our eyes locked and he looked at me with the most loving, comforting, angelic face I’ve ever seen. It was as if he & spirit were talking to me directly the entire time. I was disappointed that my trip to lift my spirits with caffeine provided no escape. I walked away, in disbelief that this had happened, knowing he spoke the truth. We’ll never know exactly what happened those last days of her life. What we do know is that she is now at peace.

Request for Financial Support

Dear friends and family,

For those of you who don't know, I lost my mother to suicide on Aug. 11, 2010. It was totally unexpected and rather shocking. I've dug deep and worked very hard to show up powerfully and positively while continuing to serve hundreds of Oakland Cafe Gratitude patrons each day since this happened. It's been the most challenging experience I've ever been through and I am at my breaking point. For months I made up that I couldn't afford to take time off from work, as every check is already spoken for. My financial situation hasn't changed, but my overall disposition has. I cannot keep shutting out the pain and ignoring my healing needs. I am exhausted. I am in a lot of emotional and physical pain and I require some time to myself to grieve and heal. It's clear to me that taking a leave of absence from work is what I must do to take care of myself right now. I need to raise about $1800 to pay my rent and bills during the month that I will be away. I am requesting your support on this leg of my journey. I deeply appreciate anything that you can offer to help me during this time of great need. My leave of absence will be from Jan. 15 thru Feb. 15th.
If you are not in a position to offer money, but perhaps have extra food to share, or massaging hands to love up my body with, that would also be greatly appreciated.

I want to thank each of you for being in my life and loving me the way you do. I love you all very much, and thank you for your continued support.

Love,
Amanda