Unexpected Storms

A few days ago one of my friends asked me how I was doing. Great! I responded. A lil while after that I thought wow, I do feel great, I haven't been sad or upset about mom in awhile; I must really be getting over it. Not two hours after that, she was suddenly in my mind so intensely that I had a huge breakdown, and two days later I’m still not able to shake it.

I dreamt of her last night. There was a huge, weird, electrical type storm happening and all of my family was over at my grandma's. Mom was there too. She was distant, irritated, on drugs and I realized I had sort of traveled back into time. I wanted so badly to get to her and tell her, “Hey! You are going to commit suicide in a year and we are all going to be devastated. Please don't do it! We love you!” I wasn't able to get to her to say it. I’ve had a lot of dreams like this, seeing her and trying desperately to get to her and tell her how much we love her and to please not do it.

I feel like I’m back to where I left off a month ago, before I was suddenly packing, moving and unpacking. It feels like it’s just been sitting on the shelf, waiting for me to slow down again so it could reappear. Even the pain I feel in my ribs and body seems like it has been on hold and is suddenly here again.

Back in January I took a month off of work so I could grieve and heal. I allowed myself to totally be in that space. I wouldn’t even make social plans. I had one week left of my time off and knew that I was in no shape to go back to work. My energy was low, I felt depressed, and I was definitely not ready to talk to a thousand customers a week. I prayed a lot, looked deep within and decided to quit my job and move in with my girlfriend. Suddenly I had tremendous energy & joy. In 9 days I had packed and moved. Everything fell into place with amazing accuracy and I totally felt like a super hero. Since then I’ve been busy unpacking, getting settled and creating a beautiful office space in our home to work on my jewelry and other healing projects.

I feel disappointed that all this grief is back after having such a month of excitement and joy. I am glad that I listened to my instincts and didn’t return to Café Gratitude. I really miss my community, but I know I’m doing what I need to take care of myself.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone at Café Gratitude, my family & friends for their support. They helped me raise $1800 so that I could take the month off without worry of my bills. Their help allowed me to have the time and space to further see what I needed. I am so grateful! I love ya’ll!!!