Last week I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. Until today. I wailed for my mama as if I were a small child. It felt good to let go like that, despite that fact that I was in so much pain. Mourning is really kicking my ass.
About a month ago I was wrought with pain over her death and I cried out to the heavens, “How long is this going to last?!” Later that night I received an answer.
I was on the train heading home from babysitting my lil pal Henry. Two women sat down in front of me and captured my attention with their pretend crowns and wands. They’d been to some sort of fun, uplifting event. They immediately started talking about losing their mothers. One had just lost hers. The other says, “It takes about 2 years to get over it. I’m living proof that it does get easier.” I immediately knew I was meant to hear this, and that spirit was talking directly to me. They continued chatting, each word ringing true in my ears and heart. I found myself feeling so cared for by the unseen forces that are all around us.
When I get in these moods, its tough figuring out what I need to be doing with myself. I have a whole list of “shoulds” that turns into a big list of “I don’t wanna’s”. I feel so miserable, I don’t do the should’s much justice anyway, so I don’t.
Nature usually saves my day in one way or the other. Whether that’s in caring for our chickens, feeding them backyard sushi (I found some worms that were being invaded by ants, so I took the live, ant covered earth worms to them, which was one of the coolest “we have chickens in our backyard” moments ever!) or discovering new plant life & blooming flowers in our yard and neighborhood. Being outside with the sun, wind, fragrant blossoms and rich dirt at my fingertips returns joy and energy to me, and softens the pain a bit as I reconnect to the cycles of life.
These photos are of flowers in our yard, beckoning me to smile, laugh and give thanks for all the joy and wonder I am surrounded by.
